walking in beauty

i am writing right now w/ a much different mindset than that of my earlier posts from today.

i've learned some of life's most important lessons w/in the past couple of hours. i would love to share them right now, but i would really just like to continue thinking about them... what i'm learning... how God is working.

what i do want to share is a thank you... a big thank you to kelly mattis, for being my teacher this evening. for allowing God to speak through her... it's funny how lives can change in just a short amount of time. all it takes is a good teacher though...

life is a gift that shouldnt be wasted. i have no choice but to lift my head and walk in beauty. if i don't do this, then i will be letting God down, for He made me beautiful. so here i go. walking in beauty... i would encourage others to do the same... to know that it's possible.

tonight: praying for beauty, balance, and gentleness. thanking God for His guidance. thanking God for tears, even... b/c through my tears i am carried so much closer to Him.

my immortal

this song has memories attached to it and current truth...
"my immortal" by evanescence:

I'm so tired of being here
Supressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time can not erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

tears :'(

i am feeling especially weak this morning, emotionally. the tears are in the corner of my eyes just ready to fall at any moment. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to do... all i know is that there is a lot of pain deep in my heart. feeling so very left out... not knowing what's happening and wanting to have some form of control over things- at least a little grasp on things- to know why things are happening the way they are. have i made so many bad moves (messages, especially) that i've just ruined the possibility of hearing from him again? there are so many questions. i want an escape. i want some way to get out... to get out of here... to get out of myself and to feel so different than the way that i do right now. some way to have more control over my feelings...

God, why do things happen as they do? is Your plan at work right now?... will i ever understand Your plan?

is ethan ok?......

i hate the tears..... the burning that i have in my eyes- that make my contacts impossible to wear- i wish it would all go away.....

inspiration for living

confucius said, "wheresoever you go, go w/ all your heart."

thoreau said, "things do not change. we change."

"being happy does not mean that everything in perfect. it means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections."

van gogh said, "i only wish they would take me as i am."

robert byne said, "the purpose of life, is a life of purpose."

john 11:35- "Jesus wept."

thomas jefferson said, "be polite to all, but intimate with few."

ghandi said, "be the change you wish to see in the world."

robert e. lee said, "the education of a man is never completed until he dies."

martin luther king said, "take the first step in faith. you don't have to see the whole staircase. just take the first step."

an afternoon of articles- i've much to learn!

i've read some amazing articles today, from both the focus on the family's website and psychologist val farmer's articles over families and relationships. i suppose one could say that this stemmed from my conversation w/ beth in her office today (which was long overdue). she handed me three articles by val farmer and suggested that i read them and think about them... they were: "what young adults need to know about marriage" (very, very useful--), "creating strong, happy family takes lot of work" (same ole' story!!), and "marriage delay can mean painful dating breakups" (interesting, applicable). i've found a million other amazing ones online by him, and i just have to include the site: http://www.summitpointe.org/NewsItems/Val-FarmerMenu.htm. for anybody who ever plans on being married, starting a family, or just wants to know what it takes to maintain a healthy, strong relationship, i'd suggest reading his stuff. he's got some really valid points and thoughts to share.

i also did some random thinking about the issue of homosexuality (sorry, but it's a prevalent topic here at bv, and around the world for anybody who is awake enough and has their eyes open enough to realize it- plus, i think some people may have some misconceptions about me in this area, on what i believe about it all). i guess it's difficult to really express my thoughts on this. but... i found an article on the focus on the family site that pretty much expresses what i feel. it has verses that form biblical proof of the wrongness of homosexual relations, but at the end, it points out a very valid point (which is my sole reason for choosing to love homosexuals just as much as heterosexuals). http://family.custhelp.com/cgibin/family.cfg/php/enduser/std_adp.php?p_faqid=1219
please, please, please check it out sometime...

i've much to learn, in my faith journey, and in my life, about God, love, relationships, family... all of it. i look forward to such opportunities to learn. maybe someday i will be able to teach others, as well...

back @ bv w/ less than 3 weeks to go

bekah, brandon, and i crammed everything we owned into my little car today and headed back up to bv, bright and early. hated missing church, but it was still nice to get here early and take a nap, plus get things done. it was a good trip. lots of listening to music- w/ my musical ADD, though, i went from one song to the next. lots of singing along. good times. was thankful to have their company. the trip truly is better w/ company.

so... that paper i pulled an all-nighter for? i thought it sucked. but apparently it didnt. 97%, baby... yeah! ok so i'm not bragging- i'm honestly just surprised. i didnt think i did well on it at all- there was so much i could have said, but didnt- it truly was a personal paper, it's just that it ws so difficult to grasp such personal things and put them into words. but... no more worries. i did well, and thank goodness, my grade is a little above that "iffy" spot and it looks like an a will be possible.......

i was pleased to receive an email from dottie when i got back to school. what a blessing that was. i pray that the emails continue.

i can't believe christmas is in less than a month. it will be here before we know it! i know what i want for christmas... but it's nothing santa could throw down the chimney for me, and it's nothing that money could really buy (at least i'd hope not). i doubt i will get it, but... it's the holiday season... i should at least have faith, right? ahh... christmas time. let it snow! let people be full of joy and gratitude! and love for jesus christ! and let everyone in the whole wide world listen to kenny g's christmas music and watch as everything is made all better! :) (yeah... realistic, i know.)

should better get back on homework. am almost done for the night. jody will hopefully be coming over, so i look forward to that. have yet to hear from a certain someone but i doubt tonight will be the night. i am giving that to God yet again, praying for forgiveness for my selfishness and for the gift of just understanding, even when things don't go my way, or as planned. i never wanted this to be all about me. and so it goes.

here's to a restful night for all...

much to be thankful for

happy thanksgiving! (i know, i realize this is the day after.)

some things i am thankful for:

• the most delicious meal, ever (and all the leftovers)
• sitting around a big table full of family members...
• mom and dad's relationship w/ each other--it's really growing... and it makes me happy to see it
• seeing the plaza lighting w/ andy and then seeing a movie w/ him afterward- (btw, if you haven't seen the incredibles, then GO, right NOW!) nothing much was talked about, but the time together was just plain nice... i have missed him greatly
• beauty of the holiday season in kc... and 102.1's nonstop christmas music :)
• a car that takes me where i need to go
• joelle. through her sharing about her marriage and her mistakes, i learned so much. God really spoke through her... i definitely left there feeling much better about where i am. would like to say more but won't at this time.....
• movies! the incredibles and christmas with the kranks, in particular. good times!
• scott and tracy- their new house. (it's absolutely adorable- just the type of house I'd like to have!!!) i think marriage might be coming w/in the next year and a half!!!!! (about time, lol)- though nothing is official... hopefully soon...
• mary margaret's consignment shop. trying on clothes. and having awesome, uplifting christian music playing in the store... wow! (two of my passions- God and shopping-combined; yahoo!)
• cell phones. though i don't own one- did for a couple of weeks and that was a lost cause- but dang, cell phones sure do come in handy.

...and the list could go on and on.

some things i am a bit confused or upset about:

• haven't heard from a certain somebody in 3 weeks now
• don't think i will, either
• i wrote another impulse text message last night/this morning. i felt it very strongly at the time. now i sort of regret it... i go back and forth, but i think for the most part i'd really like forgiveness on that one. i know it doesnt help either of us to send/receive stuff like that... i dont think it even helps him to hear from me at all. :-S and that's another confusing thing--- he said that i could call him whenever i felt like i needed to. yet, when i call, he doesnt pick up the phone, and when i leave a message, he doesnt get back to me. and thennn he says "i don't want to hurt you any more by calling you" etc... i call that bullcrap... if the case is that he really just doesnt want to call me or talk to me or whatever, i wish he'd just say it. arrrrrrgh... come on. be real. w/ me and w/ yourself. *sigh*
• i attempted a thorough cleaning of my room today. (key word: attempted) am not sure what to make of all the awesome memorabilia of e and i in the past 2 yrs...... i look at the big ole bag of happy stuff and wonder how suddenly he could be so unhappy and everything can just change and i'm suddenly last on the list of things to think about... right above grandma's undergarments... and there's nothing i can say or do-- how can i help him? does he know i want to support him? but about this bag of stuff. truly happy, happy, happy times, all of them. is it bad to just hope and pray that those times are granted to me, to us, once again someday? or will e ever be the same again? i have the feeling that that's negatory (insert question mark here). i have the feeling he's already far beyond the reach of even the possibility of us being friends- that he's truly trying to leave everything behind . but i cant say for sure. God could be working in ways that i just can't see yet...
• i feel ultra-detached from the v family. b/c i'm not "the g/f" i won't be welcomed into their homes and welcomed to just spend time w/ them... that thought really hurts... God, i love those people... but i'm pretty sure they're all telling e that he's doing the right thing by ditching me. (why do i think this?, though... i talk w/ his parents all the time- dottie said she missed me over break- *sigh*)
• sometimes there are just blah feelings
• ...but sometimes there are happy feelings... i am thankful for these.......

4am and still going strong

this is the latest i've been up working on schoolwork this year, i think! wow. 4am, and still going strong... well, sort of. i'm on the last part of my paper, which is the toughest part. i'm supposed tell what my motivation to become a teacher is. not an easy task. i could write novels about it, but when trying to get the words into the paper, it's not quite the same. bleh. just to think that after 10am it will all be over w/... no more big paper-writing stress! although these papers have been over awesome topics... they've really served me well as a pre-service teacher!

*sigh* just talked w/ seth for like 2 hours online, and ben came online to say hello-- it turns out that he feels he's received a sort of message from God, about why he's been so interested in studying japanese the past 2 years. he feels that he's being called to spread God's word in japan. amazing... he just wanted to share it w/ a christian and i'm really thankful that he shared it w/ me. that guy is an amazing guy and i do see God working through him in that way. something to pray about... b/c japan is exactly the place that needs to hear the word of God! he also encouraged me a little bit in the light of all that's happened in the past month. he said that my words have helped him-- but i think it's the other way around. it was great, either way.

imagine this. 4am, my eyes have been glued to the computer screen for the past four hours, so i stand up and suddenly start dancing around the room like a crazy chick from the 80s. hardcore. well, sort of. anyway, i was looking for an extra boost of energy. and it was fun. sometimes you just gotta let it all out. i dunno, made me want to go to a dance club (a non-malarky's sort, that is... lol).

doesnt look like i'm going to get any sleep tonight. then class at 9, paper due at 10, class, then class at 11, then packing really quickly, then leaving for a 6-hr drive home. great. i may just be relying on the energy that God graces me w/ as i drive home. it will be ok. i know it. no worries! sleep is overrated, anyway. :-S

here's to the rest of this paper. may the words flow through my fingers a little quicker than what they have been the past couple of hours!

oh... a quick side note. the voices of praise concert was amazing tonight. just simply amazing. special kudos to jody and her beautiful, touching solo!!! God really moved during that song and that concert... what a great way to praise Him! :-D

alright, the end.

i'd make an annoying graduate student...

...or, at least that's what bev said today when we met to discuss my research paper over character education. she hopes that i get a 'b' someday in a class. and that someday i'll stop being such a darn perfectionist and just start writing. gosh, i love that woman!!! :)

sooooo i didnt get to bed until past 3ish last night, but it's still been a very productive day today and i've still got hours in me to go.

a few random thoughts for the day:

• gratitude is a god-glorifying attitude.
• jody is having a day of silence. well, sort of. she sure makes me proud! :) she's going to rock the casa again in the vop concert tomorrow night. (you go, girl!)
• the context: jody, bekah, amanda, and i were lounging in my room watching sister act 2. amanda asked where jody was from, and she said south dakota. after a couple of minutes, after thinking (or not thinking), amanda said... i wonder, is there a north dakota? one cannot even imagine the look i had on my face. i think we all about died. thank goodness even she had a sense of humor... apparently she'd just had a but of brain flatulence (it's ok, it happens... i mean, don't most people forget that there's a north dakota? however... it's almost understandable. there's no old jersey or old york, and there's no east virginia. ah! brilliance!)
• i'm going to switch my 2nd semester schedule around, if i can. instead of taking cult/civ of spain, i'm going to take special topics (a spanish class), which will be over carlos quinto... which is good b/c, on the spain trip in june, we will be following the travels of carlos quinto throughout europe. it's also good b/c i will have the opp to take cult/civ when i'm actually in spain next fall, and it will be put toward finishing my spanish major (which is the least of my concerns right now- as far as i'm concerned, i'm already finished!; is that crazy or what!?). and, instead of intro to gov, i'm going to try to take peter steinfeld's class, religion and culture. i've been wanting to have a peter class, and this one sounds very... interesting. will be a good challenge for my faith.
• i'm on duty again tonight, hoorah!

ok, now back to my paper. :)

only 3 more days

only 3 more days until thanksgiving break. oh, how i need this break. just thinking that two huge papers will be over w/ by the time i go home- it seems impossible to get them done by then- but to think about them being done is a great lifter-upper for me. it's almost here. just have to keep working, keep trying... keep pressing on. *sigh* college is not an easy place to be. many, many demanding requirements of me and my time, thoughts, life. it gets harder and harder to maintain a 4.0 gpa... who woulda thought. just have to keep working hard. the end is near, and that is hopeful.

what i did today:

1. church. it was WONDERFUL! lots of singing and just praising God... lifting my hands, even. i will admit, though, that i hardly paid attention to the sermon- i was a bit distracted by some of the psalms... so i just did some reading and marking in my bible. (i figured God would be ok w/ that.) tonight there was a marriage covenant service- for couples to go and renew their vows to each other and claim their home as a "divorce-proofed" home. summit has been doing a huge "divorce-proof your marriage" campaign for some time now and it's had an awesome effect on the church family as a whole. i can really see it w/in the couples there (young and old) and in the way the couples interact w/ their children and other people. it's a beautiful thing, really... inspiring. every sunday as i walk into the church i think- argh- i can't wait to have what they have... that marriage, grounded in christ, so happy w/ my husband (and him so happy w/ me)... it will come some day. i know it will. God must have something big planned for me. somebody will love God enough and then will love me enough... i just know it. good things come to those who wait, right? anywho. i bought the book "divorce-proof your marriage" as a reference- looks like something everyone should read who ever has been or plans to be married. i can't wait to get into it. also, at church, 3 new people came up to me and introduced themselves and we just talked and talked. it was amazing. one woman, and two men- they were all parents- i could tell they really cared about me being there, as they were excited about being there, as well. it was such a warm, wonderful feeling... shaking their hands, exchanging smiles, conversation. i thank God for such welcoming, loving people. He really sends people along as needed.
2. choir concert. jody had a solo and she rocked the casa. i enjoyed handel's the messiah- i've always LOVED singing that piece- i sort of hummed along to myself. i miss singing a LOT. but i know that it would be a waste of time for me to sing here at BV. sad, but true, for me. my voice will be used someday though... i just know it! it may be a small voice, but God uses all voices, i believe. even those who can't speak....
3. procrastinated horribly. evidence of this is that it's now 10:30 and i thought i'd be able done w/ my paper by this time. yeah... only on page 2, thankyouverymuch. what's w/ this... i've just got no motivation whatsoever. too much on my mind.
4. the ra from last night came in and apologized for what happened... so we talked about that a little bit. she's a great gal. she's doing the right thing by apologizing to the people who it affected. i admire her for that. she knows she made a mistake, and she knows it will never happen again. which i am glad about. it was scary... honestly... just very scary. scary and shocking. it makes me wonder what in the world is funny about people who are drunk. there's nothing funny. there's something wrong, very wrong, and to laugh at it... is wrong. my heart goes out to those who are hurting and finding their answer by drinking. and those who just fall into it for no reason at all- or get pushed into it.
5. float night in swope's main lounge. woohoo, root beer floats!!! i enjoyed that!!! (yet another great distraction from working.)
6. more procrastination..........

our lives- the calling

I fell across the most awesome song (here are the lyrics!- aren't they great!?) -it's called "our lives" by the calling. here's to a great day... may we each make the best of it!

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life

In this world
Divided by fear
We've gotta believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here

CHORUS:
'Cause these are the days worth livin'
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

See the truth all around
Our faith can be broken
And our hands can be bound
But open our hearts and fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?

'Cause these are the days worth livin'
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
'Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong
To speak our minds
I've gotta let out what's inside

Is it love tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, well can we get it right?

'Cause these are the days worth livin'
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

Even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
These are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives

primary duty on party nights- don't you wish you were me?

and now, for a list of what all has happened just since my first rounds of this crazy saturday night:

1. a fellow ra came in drunk off her bum, barely able to walk- accompanied by two of her guy friends... did i mention she's underage?... this was only at 11:15. she's the last person i'd ever expect this to happen to, let alone the fact that she has a gargantuous responsibility to not do things like this... and if she does, then to not come back into the dorms... very sad for her. but i am thankful for her friends who were making sure she got to her room safely and that she made it into bed ok.
2. the ra cell phone rang- woohoooo! excitement! it was just a partier coming back to her room who'd forgotten her keys.
3. more people heading out to the bar...
4. and more people...
5. i showered @ 1am
6. 1:15ish my phone rang- is it who i think it might be?- nope- it's a resident who's locked out of swope and needed to be let in. i told her i'd be right down- i threw on some clothes and then went downstairs to let her in.
7. 1:25ish i now realize that about half my residents (and about half of swope) are now at the bar... fun night... think i'll be up well past 2...

saturday, a good day

what i did today:

1. sighed a sigh of relief- the praxis test went ten times better than i thought it would! (namely, the math portion).
2. had a quick lunch in the servery. weekend food= scary, but i'm thankful to have any food to eat at all.
3. thought i'd get right on my paper. ha!
4. decided i had a million things i need to go do... so i went to do them. put a check in my account ($ from babysitting last night!), took back overdue books to the storm lake library, got an oil change and all that jazz at walmart, did some shopping around, went to payless, went back to walmart (don't ask... *smiles*), then somehow ended up at the goodwill store. just how, oh how does that happen? so-- finally made it back to campus...
5. worked on my paper! or at least one of them. eek. well at least a little progress is better than no progress, right? (come on, encouragement!)
6. got a jody hug!!!
7. laundry- yay!!!
8. picked up the phone and pager b/c i'm primary tonight! wheeeeee... 2 am rounds= fun!!!
9. listened to yellowcard's kickarse songs... i'm really hooked on this group! (thanks to lauren who introduced me to "empty apartment!") but i've listened to kenny g's cd more... christmas music= yay!
10. procrastinated a little more... as i'm blogging right now... and should be working on my paper.

saturday @ 6:30 am

goodness, isnt it just wonderful to be up on a saturday @ 6:30 in the morning!? today i'm blessed (cursed!? can't decide if i'm positive or negative about this one) w/ taking the praxis test- the evil standardized test that will either let me into the teacher ed program or not let me into the program. it consists of english, reading, and......... math. yes, sounded good until i said math, huh. i have to get a 171 on the math portion or else i have to take it over... and that's money down the drain... and perhaps brain cells. argh. *positive thoughts. positive thoughts. you can do it.* argh, no i can't. i'm horrible at math! but anywho. from 7:30 until past noon i will be suffering through this thing... just can't wait. am munching on my honey bunches of oats (w/ almonds and a banana in it) as i speak (ok, as i type).

a good note, though. i got to babysit jessa last night at her house. it was nice to be in a home- it was very comfortable. i got to make her dinner, which was a lot of fun. we did just about everything imaginable together. she played card tricks on me, we played a new game called hot yott (interesting, to say the least), played piano together, played n64 (she kicked my butt), and we did some origami- or at least, she guided me through it as i was frustrated and wanted to throw the little dumb piece of folded paper on the ground and step on it a million times. i think she sensed this frustration, b/c she said to me "i know, it's the hardest thing in the world. trust me, if you were building a car, that would be easier." i had to laugh at that. that jessa... she's one smart cookie. :) we also drew/colored some hello kitty pictures, she read a book to me (and she was great at it!, i was impressed!), and we watched spongebob squarepants. i really enjoyed my time w/ her!!!...

so i got back to my room at about 8:30, did some math studying for the praxis, then just put my bum into bed and slept the night away. i had quite the dream, too- i think it lasted all night b/c i'd wake up then go back to sleep then continue dreaming it. i wish i knew what to think of it; it was actually quite representative of a portion of my life right now so... yeah. a little confusing. but that's ok. it was just a dream, right?

ooo! i just thought of a happy thought! when i'm done w/ the praxis, the only things i'll have to worry about will be two very long papers that are due on monday and wednesday! and not the praxis anymore! well, isnt that splendiferous. (grrrr!) hello, thanksgiving break... hello, end of the semester! can't wait to get home and not worry about classes for over a month!!!!!!!!!

alright. praxis, here i come- 7:30 is arriving too quickly. wish me luck!

it's these times i love you

"These Times," by The Normals:

It’s these times that I could kiss you
It’s these times when you’re asleep
It’s these times you feel so dirty
It’s these times you feel so cheap
It’s these times when you’re the loser
The times you’re gabbing on the phone
It’s these times you’re singing love songs
It’s these times you’re all alone
It’s these times when you’re the victim
It’s these times when you’re the saint
It’s these times when you’re the bad guy
Who’s inflicting all the pain
It’s these times you sail the ocean
The times you wash up on the shore
It’s these times you feed the hungry
It’s these times you rob the poor
It’s these times you burn the house down
It’s these times you’re getting burned
It’s these times you do the right thing
It’s these times you never learn
It’s these times that you deny me
And ignore everything I’ve done
It’s these times you crucify me
It’s these times you’re still my son
It’s these times I love you
It’s these times I love you
It’s these times I love you
It’s these times I love you
___________________

What I'm up to this rainy, early afternoon: back to laying on my futon, listening to "these times" over and over again, tears streaming down my face, holding on to my red cc blanket for dear life wondering... God... when will the hurt end...............

sometimes God has a kid's face

i went to the library at 11 tonight and got five books- four of them i'd planned on getting for my philosophy of ed paper that's due in less than a week, but the other one- sometimes God has a kid's face- i certainly didnt plan on getting. but i've been reading and now it's past midnight and i'm about halfway through it. wow. talk about God saying something to my heart. this book is about america's exploited street kids, and a man- a priest- who left his parish to be of service to the children of the most horrible part of the lower east side of new york city. he got a slummy apartment in the slummiest of places- and before he knew it, children from all over were knocking on his door in the middle of the night pleading to sleep on his floor... for a place to stay for a night... to get away from the drugs, the sex, the exploitation, the stealing, the hunger, all of it. this priest- thus far- has been used in so many ways... by God... just amazing. i guess i always have to question why we as a nation let there be places where children are allowed to be faced with all of these issues. why we allow them to live every day feeling as though there is no hope for them- when truly, there is... it just can't be found where they are at. God, why? i can only pray that someday- just someday- i can make a difference in the life of at least one child who has seen nothing but darkness... to show him or her that there is, indeed, light... oh, to be of use in this way. i don't care where i am; whether it be in a nice suburb, a small town, overseas, or in the slums. just to be used like this. wow.

other thoughts have abounded tonight but this is all i'll write about.
i definitely have a lot of things to pray for/about before i fall asleep.
one of them will be my giving thanks over and over again for the life that i've been fortunate enough to lead. clean clothes. shelter over my head. food to eat, water to drink. a car, and money for gas. friends. family, and church family. freedom. God, i am so blessed...

jazz and coffee shops- yes, please

it would be a happy, happy world if, everywhere i went, there were jazz venues and coffee shops. if not venues, then at least places that played good, quality jazz music. for instance, last night at the bv jazz ensemble concert- amazing, especially the jazz combo (be still, my heart!). there's absolutely nothing like the sound of saxes and trumpets and a jazz piano. oh, and drums, too... can't ever forget the sound of drums. ok, so coffee shops, too. where i'd have my choice of any sandwich or wrap in the world, made w/ lots of veggies and perhaps toasted lighty, lots of water, and either hot tea or an iced chai. yummmmy yummy. it's relatively quiet at coffee shops. a really good place to think. and relax. jazz helps me relax too. so, what a happy world it would be if jazz and coffee shops were to take over the world! i shall revel in the thought.

i can't believe it's only 9pm. i've been sleeping on my futon, off and on, for the past couple of hours. i stayed up really late last night talking w/ my good buddy kiel on the phone. i hadnt talked to him in forever- man, i miss that guy. but oh, how he's changed- his life, lifestyle, attitude, everything... i don't think i've ever heard him like that before. but gotta love the guy anyway. so... i'm tired... and i could get by w/ just going to sleep for the night, and being ready for tomorrow, but i know i need to get started on a couple of papers that are due within the next week (one on monday and on on wednesday- a 5-pager and an 8-pager). ehh... who needs homework when i can just blog, though. (call it an addiction.)

bekah and i walked to uptown consignments earlier today and we must've tried on every sweater in the store. it was really fun- ever such a girly thing to do. i tried on a couple of "teacher outfits" and had to laugh b/c they made me look like i was about 35. whew... not yet, thankyouverymuch. ended up getting a few tops, including a brown tomfoolery duster sweater. gosh, i love consignment shopping. i hadnt shopped in quite a while but thought that it'd be fun for a neat getaway from the school. then, i went to grand central coffee station, had a delicious sandwich w/ extra veggies, water, and an iced chai. sat there and finished up an arj for ed psych, then just did some listening to music and wrote down some thoughts in a document- memories, more like-- i might continue doing that sometime. who knows, perhaps someday they could be published somewhere. maybe someday they'll mean something. but anywho.

motivation. ack, where in the world is it!? i'm not really sure. it's so much easier to put off starting a big assignment than just to get on it. but that's what i need to do. get on it. i've had my fun for the day, now i need to get to work. at least until midnight. i can do it! i know it! alright... so this is enough from me.

here's to a good end of the week. hopefully it doesnt involve too much sadness, loneliness, stress, frustration, or tiredness for anyone.

God knows no distinctions

i've been thinking about God. yes, that's right, i've been thinking about God. but what's more is that i've been thinking about the different ways that people worship God. different denominations. methodist. baptist. lutheran. presbyterian. pentecostal. then non-denominational, evangelical, etc.

i have two thoughts about these. my initial thought goes back to a famous roger nishioka idea that "our God is a baskin robbins God." he created many different "flavors" of christians. without our different styles of worship and praise, he would be a very bored God.

but then there's my second thought- it's more like a question, though. why must there be such a division among christians? why should one person care if another person is of a different denomination? why should a christian care or be bothered if another christian chooses to worship in a very corporate, disciplined manner, citing the apostle's creed and singing from a traditional hymnbook? just b/c that christian chooses to worship w/ his or her hands raised high above his/her head, jumping up and down, shouting praises to God? isn't the point to just have a relationship w/ Jesus Christ? and wouldn't i be correct in saying that both of these people have the relationship? then why would that be a division among them? i don't think i understand.

thomas jefferson once quoted a preacher who exclaimed aloud to his congregation that he didnt believe there were any presbyterians, quakers, or methodists (etc). after pausing and letting his congregation sort of look around in wonder, he went on to say that, in Heaven, God knows no distinctions.

if only there were no distinctions here, and we could all be allowed to just worship... it doesn't matter how... just as long as it happens, and there werent such horrible distinctions and judgments made. i've made these distinctions and judgments before. but i realize that i cannot do that. it's not right. it's not godly. if God knows no distinctions, then i want to know no distinctions (even though some who are reading this might comment on my die-hard presbyterian-ness). i'm not a presbyterian. i am a christian. a child of God. please treat me as such, and i will do the same for you. no matter how you worship. b/c that just doesn't matter to me... as long as your heart is where it should be (w/ God).

i just wanted to share that "thought." that's all.

it's times like these- foo fighters

I, I'm a one way motorway
I'm a road that drives away and
Follows you back home
I, I'm a streetlight shining
I'm a white light blinding bright
Burning off and on

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

I, I'm a new day risin'
I'm a brand new sky to hang
The stars upon tonight
I, I'm a little divided
Do I stay or run away
Leave it all behind

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these, time and time again

____________


Thought for today: It really is times like these...........................

dang, that felt good

whew! so heading to the weight room was definitely a smart decision for me. i am sweaty as a dog right now but dang, that felt good! i did about 35 mins on the treadmill total, plus a LOT of stretching (before and especially after). i was totally in the "just run" mood. plus, i put the incline up to 6.8-- made it more fun. :) i am definitely going to start running more often... i've really missed doing it. (sure makes me wish i was back in high school running w/ the cc team again! those were the days! who ever woulda thought i'd think back on high school and want to go back to then!?)

now, this time i REALLY need to get on schoolwork! (wouldnt you know it, i still haven't done anything!) so here i go!

ex-dawson's creek junkie turns to seventh heaven

i am never one to watch much tv. i used to, though. i used to watch dawson's creek like there was no tomorrow. when it changed from thursday nights to wednesday nights, it was not uncommon for me to skip wednesday night choir to stay home and "do homework" (meaning, watch dawson's creek). i attempted to record every episode one year- then mom taped over it all w/ her soap operas. i could've died. i cried. yes, i actually cried about that.

so... since those days, i've really not gotten to watch tv much. especially in college. it's extremely rare for me. but tonight... somehow the tv turned itself on and wound up on tonight's episode of "seventh heaven." now this is a good show. my mom likes to laugh at it, b/c it's so unreal in so many ways, but i have to say that i love it. it shows a big family, and a loving family, at that. it shows communication, struggles, real-life issues for young adults, the whole shebang. i love that everyone is older now. (yes, it provides more drama. and isnt that just what everyone needs!?) i love that lucy and kevin are married, and that she's expecting, and while i know it's "just a show" and it's "just acting," i love how kevin is supportive of lucy and how he is excited about having a baby. i pray that my future husband is like that! i want his excitement to show on his face even more than me! i think every woman deserves a husband like this. i love how matt and his wife are in grad school, yet still making it. young- but not too young. hmm. sounds good. tonight's show made me miss a certain someone, but i have to remember: nothing's ever set in stone. things could still happen someday (at least i'm praying for this?). and if it doesnt, then maybe God has something better in mind for me (though i honestly canNOT imagine anything better than this past year and a half- so i am baffled by this thought). God will work as he will, though...

ok, so i should be getting on homework. i just wanted to share this thought. seventh heaven is a good show. and... simon looks like a mini justin timberlake now. ha, ha, ha!!! life is funny!!! ok, moving onward toward my homework...

starting "the list"- stay tuned for more

ok, so it's been suggested that i make a list that includes every little thing that i want in my future husband. i just thought of something. are you ready for this?; it's pretty deep. ok, here goes: i want him to be tall. as in, over 6 feet... say... 3 inches. yes, that's right, i want a tall man. and i want his shoes to be bigger than mine. i dont know, it would just seem weird if he and i shared a shoe size (b/c i wear 10 1/2 in men's shoes- come on- my husband needs to have feet bigger than this!). like my dad... i can sort of wear his shoes... now c'mon, wouldnt it just be creepy!? i guess it's the little things.

yep, well i hope that wasn't too much for my readers to handle. stay tuned for more extravagant qualities in the future.

"for the moments i feel faint"

"am i at the point of no improvement?
what of the death i still drown in?
i try to excel but i feel no movement.
can i be free of this unreleasable sin?

never underestimate my jesus.
you're tellin' me that there's no hope
i'm tellin' you you're wrong.
never underestimate my jesus.
when the world around you crumbles
he will be strong, he will be strong...

i throw up my hands, oh the impossibilities.
frustrated and tired, where do i go from here?
now i'm searchin' for the confidence i lost so willingly
overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears.

(chorus)

i think i can't, i think i can't,
but i think you can, i think you can...
(repeat)
gather my insufficient seasons, place them in your hands,
place them in your hands, place them in your hands...

(chorus)
he will be strong... he will be strong... he will be strong..."


my thoughts on this beautiful, sunshine-filled morning: relient k's song speaks to me in more ways than one. i have been filled w/ these negative, harmful thoughts- and they seem to come from out of nowhere. has it been my surrending to satan and his lies? oh, what lies he tells... what horrible things he does to people (what horrible things he makes them think) who need jesus the most. this song says "i think i can't"... "but i think you can." i just have to place it in Jesus' hands. i feel like i've done that a million times already but it's like we keep playing hot-potato w/ it...

i went to bed listening to kenny g's christmas album (the only thing that put me in my happy spot last night) and woke up w/ the sun shining in and my alarm going off. i so badly was hoping to have received an email or something but there was nothing- it was so easy for me to get down emotionally- but no... my prayer is, "Father, forgive me, and take this from me." i so badly regret something i said/did last night (my impulsive comment) and wish i could take it back. where is forgiveness? i can do this... i can face today... b/c when the world around me crumbles, he will be strong (Jesus will be!!!). i need to remember this. Oh, God, help me to remember this.

angry elf's actions

another thought before i finally stop for the night.
i said/did something tonight that i didnt really mean to do- want to do- but i did anyway. and now i really regret it. sometimes you cant undo things though... i need to remember this... if i am an angry elf, then i'm not only hurting others, but hurting myself the most by saying or doing impulsive things (no matter how big or small they may be). it's not like something was huge, but in my mind right now its really bugging me. so, i'd just like to say... i'm sorry...
time to get to bed for the night. perhaps some sleep will do me some good... it's been a weird evening/night, feeling-wise...

super glue suspicion

who knew that i'd get carded for buying superglue at walmart!? it's a mad, mad world out there.

yes, so my big getaway for the weekend involved getting in my car, listening to my "poor leisha" cd, and going to walmart. thank goodness for all the distractions that walmart offers college students like me. levi's jeans to try on. clearance. shoes. cd's. ooo... i bought kenny g's christmas cd... i love kenny g... clothing stuff like hampers and wooden drying racks and kitchen accessories and the sort. and of course super glue. can't forget the superglue (but the fact that one must be 18 to purchase it- i'm baffled!).

i cant believe the amount of people outside heading toward parties, in huge packs. i guess i'm a very, very naive sort of gal. but this is a typical saturday night, i suppose (i wouldnt know b/c i'm never outside on a friday or saturday night!). i cant understand attending a 26,000 dollar school and then wasting away so many nights getting drunk and bumping and grinding w/ everyone and their dog. hmmm... appealing thought. call me cynical, but i'll pass, thanks.

it's been a great past couple of days but tonight i've taken a turn for the worse. i want to throw things and curse the world. argh. yes, argh.

i can't believe it's almost midnight. where has the day gone? think i might get some homework done. or visit w/ residents... or just go to sleep. who knows. hopefully i'll wake up w/ less of a "whatever" feeling. i do get to go to summit tomorrow though for church... i look forward to that; i've really missed going there..............

i feel pretty...

you know, yesterday and today have been such beautifully awkward days for me. beautifully awkward? well, yeah. see, i've spent the past- oh, forever- sad and down. but suddenly (yesterday, it was) a new burst of energy came over me. i blogged it up (yay for blogging!). i went to dinner w/ friends. i talked w/ residents. i watched two movies- TWO!- w/ friends as we rearranged my room and then as i cleaned my room (it was a mess afterward!, but fun to clean up). a change sure can do someone some good. like this new room setup. i like it. it's like a little apartment w/ a "bathroom/dressing" area and a living room/study area. it's great, truly. so today i've spent time talking w/ a few fellow ra's (i love my fellow ra's- they are all such great gals!), i put up a new bulletin board in the hallway and did some planning for future ra stuff like community builders (i'm getting back in the game, friends!), i finished some unfinished business in my ed psych class (thank goodness for email, trust, and an awesome prof like bev), i got a phone call from mom, i helped a resident w/ an issue, and i downloaded "a cinderella story" w/ hillary duff in it- from uwgo- wow, downloading movies. ever so illegal in this case... but it was sure fun. the movie cracked me up so much. i wonder if there are any guys out there who enjoyed it- b/c it's such a friggen chick flick! but i have to admit that i loved it. my favorite quote? "you are a bad boy. and that's a horrible shirt." wow! the movie did a really great job of stereotyping, i must admit that. sort of sad in a way but... that will happen. i felt happy for "sam" at the end when she and her prince kissed... but a little sad in a way... it looked magical, and that's what my kisses were like w/ my prince, but i guess some things are either too good to be true or all good things must come to an end. either way... i'm being strong today. no crying about that! i feel pretty today!

yes, i feel pretty today! b/c i am happy w/ being who i am. i am happy helping others. i am happy knowing that i am being myself and i am perhaps shining a light for others in doing so (for God's glory). earlier i walked around w/ my flannel pj pants, punk rawk tshirt and a stocking cap (let's just say that i woke up w/ REALLY interesting hair) b/c i was icky and hadnt showered- but i still felt "pretty." like, happy w/ who i am and what i look like. so... i showered... and now i feel even better. i love that i dont have to wear makeup to make myself feel pretty. its just me a my burt's bees chapstick (hey- it's turning cold and my lips need some support). and a super-comfy sweater that i got when i was working at spiegel (i sort of miss those days!, goodness... i accumulated so many clothes during those 6 months working there... lol). yes, i feel pretty. (a special "thank you" to God for helping me to feel this way and letting me know that i truly am a treasure, no matter what other people think of me, no matter what life's circumstances are. this has helped me to smile.)

welp, it's just past 5, so i'm finally off duty (gotta love weekend ra duty). might be taking a special trip to walmart this evening... to buy the cinderella story soundtrack (hey, it's the girl inside of me- i can't help it!). yeah, and food, too... yogurt, mostly. not sure what else i want. guess i'll think about it before i go. :)

welp. that's all for me, for right now. i know my blogs are forever long. i've just got lots to say. until next time...

blogger.com vs xanga

i think i've made a decision. i like blogger.com a lot better than xanga. yes, just thought i should share that. :)

who knows?

i'm so absolutely horrible at staying on top of this blogging thing. it's impressive if i make it on here once a month. how many times do you have to do something before it becomes a habit, though? give me time.

the title of this blog is "who knows?" for a reason. and the reason, you ask? well, who knows? my life is a big blob of insanity right now. being behind in schoolwork, having my best friend/boyfriend suddenly change and then an unfortunate breakup as a result and lots of unanswered questions and wondering, hurt, pain as a result of that... let's see, what else... did i mention being behind in schoolwork!? yep. well... depression... missing home all the time... wondering where the heck God is taking me in my life, what my future will hold...

right now all i can say is that i'm uber-thankful for the amazing, caring, absolutely fantastic professors that i have here at bv. makes me think i'm here for a reason, b/c they really look out for me. so thanks, to carolyn ashbaugh and bev edmondson- they are real life-savers.

i've had a million different feelings and thoughts about where my heart is- what my passions really are- and as a result, where those passions will take me in the future. have to question what bv has turned me into. i often think, gosh i'd really like to be in a more conservative, christian place so i could "focus on god" but my mom pointed out to me this question- would i rather be in a place where i'm told what i should think, or be in a place where i'm allowed to think for myself? and it's so true- bv truly allows me to think for myself... i'm thankful for that. a lot of growth happens here for people who allow it to. i know that's the case for me. goodness, little did i know how much things would change just within two years (or so) of college. i'm confronted w/ what seems like a million issues each week here at bv- hunger/homelessness, political issues, homosexuality, feminism, equality, respect, civil rights, women's rights (sorry for the repetition here), poverty, cultural differences and awareness. this isnt even the half of it. i'm guided in this way or that way but i'm never told what to think. it's completely up to myself... and this in itself has been a journey, and i know it will continue to be one until i graduate (and probably far beyond that). i just pray that God truly be at work in me... at all times... when faced w/ such issues. a really big thing for me has been to love everyone regardless of differences- not judging people- but this has seemed to separate me from a number of my more "christian" friends. i dont understand this. separation, only b/c i'm doing what God would have me do?- love people?- again... who knows?

so now that i've gone on and on about that.

i've got an entire weekend ahead of me and i look foward to it greatly. granted, it'll be nothing but homework time and catching-up time, but at least it wont be interrupted by classes and daily deadlines (just long-term ones... which really are close, too close, rather than long-term now).

so... this is an intro to my life. exciting, i'm sure you're thinking. yes. life... it's all about the journey. but during the journey... who knows? we just have to hang on for the ride. God will make things happen... God will see us through. there's my little bit of daily inspiration for you. cherish it, friends.