tears :'(

i am feeling especially weak this morning, emotionally. the tears are in the corner of my eyes just ready to fall at any moment. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to do... all i know is that there is a lot of pain deep in my heart. feeling so very left out... not knowing what's happening and wanting to have some form of control over things- at least a little grasp on things- to know why things are happening the way they are. have i made so many bad moves (messages, especially) that i've just ruined the possibility of hearing from him again? there are so many questions. i want an escape. i want some way to get out... to get out of here... to get out of myself and to feel so different than the way that i do right now. some way to have more control over my feelings...

God, why do things happen as they do? is Your plan at work right now?... will i ever understand Your plan?

is ethan ok?......

i hate the tears..... the burning that i have in my eyes- that make my contacts impossible to wear- i wish it would all go away.....