much to be thankful for

happy thanksgiving! (i know, i realize this is the day after.)

some things i am thankful for:

• the most delicious meal, ever (and all the leftovers)
• sitting around a big table full of family members...
• mom and dad's relationship w/ each other--it's really growing... and it makes me happy to see it
• seeing the plaza lighting w/ andy and then seeing a movie w/ him afterward- (btw, if you haven't seen the incredibles, then GO, right NOW!) nothing much was talked about, but the time together was just plain nice... i have missed him greatly
• beauty of the holiday season in kc... and 102.1's nonstop christmas music :)
• a car that takes me where i need to go
• joelle. through her sharing about her marriage and her mistakes, i learned so much. God really spoke through her... i definitely left there feeling much better about where i am. would like to say more but won't at this time.....
• movies! the incredibles and christmas with the kranks, in particular. good times!
• scott and tracy- their new house. (it's absolutely adorable- just the type of house I'd like to have!!!) i think marriage might be coming w/in the next year and a half!!!!! (about time, lol)- though nothing is official... hopefully soon...
• mary margaret's consignment shop. trying on clothes. and having awesome, uplifting christian music playing in the store... wow! (two of my passions- God and shopping-combined; yahoo!)
• cell phones. though i don't own one- did for a couple of weeks and that was a lost cause- but dang, cell phones sure do come in handy.

...and the list could go on and on.

some things i am a bit confused or upset about:

• haven't heard from a certain somebody in 3 weeks now
• don't think i will, either
• i wrote another impulse text message last night/this morning. i felt it very strongly at the time. now i sort of regret it... i go back and forth, but i think for the most part i'd really like forgiveness on that one. i know it doesnt help either of us to send/receive stuff like that... i dont think it even helps him to hear from me at all. :-S and that's another confusing thing--- he said that i could call him whenever i felt like i needed to. yet, when i call, he doesnt pick up the phone, and when i leave a message, he doesnt get back to me. and thennn he says "i don't want to hurt you any more by calling you" etc... i call that bullcrap... if the case is that he really just doesnt want to call me or talk to me or whatever, i wish he'd just say it. arrrrrrgh... come on. be real. w/ me and w/ yourself. *sigh*
• i attempted a thorough cleaning of my room today. (key word: attempted) am not sure what to make of all the awesome memorabilia of e and i in the past 2 yrs...... i look at the big ole bag of happy stuff and wonder how suddenly he could be so unhappy and everything can just change and i'm suddenly last on the list of things to think about... right above grandma's undergarments... and there's nothing i can say or do-- how can i help him? does he know i want to support him? but about this bag of stuff. truly happy, happy, happy times, all of them. is it bad to just hope and pray that those times are granted to me, to us, once again someday? or will e ever be the same again? i have the feeling that that's negatory (insert question mark here). i have the feeling he's already far beyond the reach of even the possibility of us being friends- that he's truly trying to leave everything behind . but i cant say for sure. God could be working in ways that i just can't see yet...
• i feel ultra-detached from the v family. b/c i'm not "the g/f" i won't be welcomed into their homes and welcomed to just spend time w/ them... that thought really hurts... God, i love those people... but i'm pretty sure they're all telling e that he's doing the right thing by ditching me. (why do i think this?, though... i talk w/ his parents all the time- dottie said she missed me over break- *sigh*)
• sometimes there are just blah feelings
• ...but sometimes there are happy feelings... i am thankful for these.......