in moments of desperation like this one

"Another rainy day
yeah, it's definitely been one of those days. well, it started out wonderfully-- breakfast with a dear friend, a good hour of grading spanish homework in the suite, chapel, awesome conversation in nonviolence, peace & justice, picked up my cooperating teacher handbook for supervised participation, and found out that i'm officially going to be student teaching the first 1/2 of the semester in storm lake with esther vieira who teaches all the way up to dual-credit spanish IV... felt literally high as a kite finding this out, i mean wow!!! classes not just for second-language learners but natives as well, this is going to be an awesome challenge and experience for me... then another class... i drew a blind contour and the professor asked me if maybe i wasn't in the wrong subject for education-- i thought of my mom and her artistic talent and how maybe a small portion of hers was found within me for the moment... then TLC-- gosh how i love those kids and am going to miss them after this semester... but then the rest of it began
I can't recall having sunshine on my face
SAVE had further training in post-traumatic stress disorder and suicide tonight, which took my mind back to february of my sophomore year when i drove home to surprise mom for her birthday and arrived back up at school only to find out that a good friend of mine had committed suicide-- here on campus-- ... and how now, i can't even think of my mom's birthday without associating it with the suicide of a friend. i don't want it to be that way. but it is. only one or two people in the group knew tony, so when "the suicide that's happened on campus" was mentioned, it wasn't anything particularly personal to anyone. except me. tears came to my eyes and not long after that the meeting ended, the counselor left, others left, and i was left to myself. i wanted to break down. i didn't need the memory of tony to worsen how i felt about some things that have occured lately here at school and how crappy i feel like things are going
All I feel is pain
a "friend" came to "talk" to me last night about some "concerns" she had about the floor, and about me as an ra. i'm too busy, i don't spend enough time hanging out in the lounge talking with everyone like i've done before, i don't do this, i don't do that. here's what i heard: "i'm not sure if you've... umm... thought about... giving your position to somebody else who may not be as busy as you so that it's not one more thing you have to worry about?" it felt like the most painful personal attack that could have been sent my way this entire semester. the relationships i've worked to form with residents, the endless hours of the night i've spent with many of them, talking, going to meals, helping with homework, supporting, encouraging, treating them as adults, giving advice, listening listening listening listening listening.................. i've heard and received messages that i've been a great ra (it only took me two years to make me one, goodness), and i've made sure of it-- i've made sure to be one. even with my amazingly crazy schedule this semester. but naturally there wouldn't be a thanks for any of that stuff, would there be? nah, of course not. what's that do, anyway.
All I wanna do is walk out of this place
so i had to explain the concept of life in a fishbowl to her-- something she has no idea about. i can't do anything on campus without being watched, criticized, talked about, judged, and watched some more. i go to the bathroom? people know. i take a shower? people know. i take a nap? people know. something great's happened? people know. i go down to eat? people know. i go to work or practice? people know. i've had a bad day? people know. and then there's the thing. one down day (or should i say night-- since i'm not afforded the luxury of being in the building from morning until late evening on a daily basis, like most of my floor members are), and the whole tone changes. "oh leisha must be mad at us." (what the...?) "sorry if we upset you." (huh???) "leisha's being a bad RA." (it's not what's said, but i know that's the end result, at least in the minds of some.) (ehhh?)
But when I am stuck and I can't move
i spend literally EVERY MOMENT of my day taking care of absolutely everything and everyone else... issue upon issue upon issue that i take care of with the ra position but nobody sees it and when i request a single moment for myself, it's taken as an offense. i'm selfish. i'm not being the good ra that i have been or should be. i'm disrespecting somebody or another (apparently because i walk by somebody without engaging in wonderfully enlightening conversation with him or her? i guess??).
When I don't know what I should do
and then the time comes when i need to be taken care of. time for me! yes, me! but i'm not conditioned to do that sort of thing very well-- to take time for me. i honestly don't know what it's like. hitting the snooze button 5 times or more every morning just to gain every single minute of sleep that i can is considered "me" time, and actually distancing myself away from everyone else to do homework is considered "me" time
When I wonder if I'll ever make it through
i hit moments of complete desperation when i want to either scream bloody effing murder and just release this arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh that i feel inside, or crawl into a ball and hibernate from the entire world-- away from homework, away from residents who assume that my every action is for or about them-- of course, that i'm supposed to be their MOTHER or their BEST FRIEND (i'm considering presenting the ra description to them soon...)-- away from work, away from all these millions of things i need to get done and have needed to get done for a long time. and then i want to cry. and i don't, much. there's no time for that. (and yes, that's what hurts.) and so i long for the moment i can leave all this shit behind and drive incredibly fast to my house where i can pull into the driveway of my house and dad can be walking outside just in time for me to park the car as i am getting tears in my eyes and rush to get out of the car so i can give him the biggest hug ever (something new in my life within the past couple of years, something i can say i really, really, really look forward to, that and having a relationship with my father who i know does care very deeply about me) and tell him in very few words but with a lot of emotion in my heart that i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad to be home, and then, upon seeing mom, receiving that hug that absolutely nobody else in the world can substitute, not even having to say a word to each other and i can break down and just start bawling and she'll just... understand. and i can do that several times while i'm home and have it be ok. and so like right no, this moment of desperation, i'm hiding in a library study room where nobody can bother me and i can crank the volume up and listen to "keep singing" over and over and over again, and shut my laptop case as needed, and put my sweatshirt down on the lid so i can put my head down on it and have something soft, very soft to cry on because i know there's still a week left before i can run into the arms of my mom and dad and know that, indeed, everything WILL be ok...........

I gotta keep singing
i received an email from kymberly just as i returned to my room tonight, right when i needed it, right when i wanted to break down. i wrote back and said i knew i couldnt send her the length or quality of email she deserved in return, but really, her message meant so much to me.
I gotta keep praising Your name
my friendship with jody is causing me less stress as we are able to communicate a little more often. granted, it's never too much more than a "hello" and "i love you," but still, at least it's something existent now. there's talk of going to visit her over christmas break in alaska (yeah, b/c alaska in december won't be cold at all... :S!), using up my round-trip ticket to visit... and although i just want to be home now... i know it's a trip i need to take, a friend i need to visit.
Your the one that's keeping my heart beating
i'll get to spend january at home doing supervised participation at truman high school, another thing i'm absolutely thrilled about.
I gotta keep singing
i put all i could possibly put into tonight's step performance at half-time of the student vs. faculty/staff basketball game... and got to laugh heartily at all the funny stuff that went on during the game (there was definitely no set structure to the game by any means)... that is, when i could afford to look up from my textbook
I gotta keep praising Your name
we sang a relient k song at chapel this morning that sent tears straight to my eyes during a particular part of it. it hit right on, exactly, what i needed at that exact moment in time, it was a God thing i know, although so little of my time anymore is spent giving God the thanks or praise for what goes on in my life
That's the only way that I'll find healing
there's a light at the end of the tunnel somewhere, i keep telling myself.

Can I climb up in Your lap
paper upon paper upon paper to write
I don't wanna leave
pages upon pages upon pages to read
Jesus sing over me
nowhere to go for me, no time for me, at least not right now (and "right now" always ends up being all the time)
I gotta keep singing"
one more week and i'll be home. just gotta keep reminding myself of it. one more week. i can do this. can't i???