the marathon of my life

ever feel like the world's running a marathon around you, and there you are, chugging along at a snail's pace? that's the story of my past few weeks.

two weeks were spent basically getting minimal to no sleep at all. stupid, i know: i always advise against it. there'd be a night of no sleep, then a night of 4 hours, then 2, then no sleep, then 5 hours, then a night of 7 (i felt on top of the world the next day... for a little while, at least), then back to none. repeat, or something like it. why, you ask? did i really have that much homework? that's the thing: i didn't! it's my out-of-class responsibilities that i have, that keep me busy all day and evening and leave me back at liberty hall around 8-10pm, then leaving me with time to do homework, socialize/be a good ra, take a breather, take care of personal life stuff, prepare for the next day, and get some sleep. not all of those things happen(ed) after 10pm. sleep definitely got put on the backburner, that's for sure. i did my absolute best to keep up the social life-- sometime simultaneously with the homework-- (i'm the craziest darned multi-tasker you've ever met in your life, let me tell you)-- hey, allow me that: it's taken me until the end of my junior/beginning of my senior year to mark that as a priority; i won't have it quite like this after i graduate. so, there we go. homework... and i mean THOROUGHLY done... i still can't bring myself to half-arse it, no matter how tempting it might sound. assignment: read pages 145-198? i read pages 145-198, no fewer, sometimes more. if/when this doesn't happen (there've been a couple of times-- desperate times), i feel so lost it's not even funny. so, anyway. before i know it i'm seeing 3 and then 4am, looking at my watch, counting the hours i could possibly get sleep before waking up and attempting the day again-- and wishing desperately that i'd have a single afternoon free in order to take a nap. naps are possibilities about once or twice a week on a normal week, and only right before/after dinner. not exactly the best time to nap, that's for sure, but hey, whatever gets me through the night-- right? and, to top it off, i can't pull off "looking good" when i'm tired. friends will tell me i look like crap (those are my good, honest friends). i know it, too, when i look in the mirror and think "hello, zombie." ugh. so anyway.

what's the next logical step after being tired? being sick!

so, would you know it, i finally got sick-- right as my weekend service trip to chicago began. not desperately sick, but a good enough combination sore throat/sneezing/hacking cough/runny nose sort of thing. that's ok, i can handle this... just as long as i start getting sleep... so, i got two good nights of sleep in chicago (can't say the same for most everyone else), and since i've gotten back (3 nights so far), i've gotten full, or almost full (and right now i'd say anything about 6 1/2 hours of sleep is a full night of sleep for a college student... not to say that more isn't necessary...), nights of sleep. people have seen me sneezing and blowing my nose (which is an exciting adventure when it's REALLY runny and i've got this nose ring... oh, adventures... if you want to hear stories, send me a personal message :P) and looked at me with sympathy and asked, "oh, poor leisha, how do you feel?" and i tell them: i feel GREAT! i'll take this sickness any day if it means i can be forced to get sleep at night. i feel ten times better now, sick, than what i have the past two weeks, tired. true story.

so, souljahs team is steppin' right along, and it just so happens that our first performance is next week during the homecoming pep rally. uhhhh no pressure? i'm surprising myself during every single practice, and walking away from each of them pumped FULL of energy. there's been a new routine or series of steps taught to us each day, and each time i see them for the first time i think, WHAT!? is that even POSSIBLE!? but then... i see... yes, it is... and before you know it, the move's stuck in my head and i'm practicing it practically in my sleep. tonight's practice was a bit more challenging b/c of being sick, and i thought for sure i would never get one particular move that was being taught to me (i could get the feet without a problem, but the hands/arms sure didn't want to cooperate... which is an issue with these routines!), but, alas, another surprise. suddenly i got it, and things were great. we're starting formations and groups and the order of things and every time we finish with a routine i think to myself, wow, i'm really a part of this! i love it. but there are struggles beyond the steps. for instance, i know some people are caught up on the color of skin, and it's hard to get them to take a white girl seriously when doing this sort of thing. i still wonder what the world would look like if everyone followed martin luther king's words, and looked at the "content of... character" instead of the "color of... skin." maybe people would be more willing to spent time teaching a white girl like me how to not just feel the beat and rythmn, but move her body to it (and i'm not talking caucasion head-bobbing here), at the same time. i guess i've never told many people that i've always sort of wanted to be an african american. had better blame the parents for that one, though, huh. but anyway.

there's been a ton happening besides all of this: i got to spend 3 hours with the mexican delegation last wednesday morning, which was an incredible spanish-speaking and mexican immersion experience. i made contacts in ayotlan, in jalisco, mexico, with whom i'd definitely find a stay should i head that way someday (i'd sure like to). being back at the middle school is awesome, and i've gotten to help quite a few lower-level spanish students. american heritage lecture series panelist meetings have continues on, and we've been formulating questions for the speaker (madame jehan sadat, former first lady of egypt) through our research, and tomorrow night is the dress rehearsal. since i'm an alternate, i won't be up on the stage, but i have good news: i'm pretty sure one of my questions has made the top 4 or top 5 list, which is safe to say that it will likely be used during the student panel (since we never know if we'll get through 4 questions, or 8, or what... just depends on the speaker). it's a question about formal education for women vs. informal education for women in the Arab states. if it's really used, i'll post it and let you know how the answer went. i'm excited for friday... all afternoon and evening will be spent with madame sadat, which will be an amazing honor, even if i'm not going to be onstage. press conferences, photographs, personal q&a sessions, a dinner, student panel, so forth and so on... oh my! a busy friday, indeed. then, all day saturday and sunday will be spent in formal training for save-- students against a violent environment. it'll be an difficult and emotionally charged time for all those going through the training, i've heard, but i'm pumped for it. i can't wait to be an official advocate for this group, although it's my last year, it doesn't matter-- i've still got time to make a difference.

i fiiiiiiiinally purchased a ticket to guanajuato for fall break. crazy thing to do? quite possibly, but i had a voucher to enable me to go through with it. i'll be catching the last day and a quarter of cervantino, the most significant cultural festival in all of mexico and possibly latin america. just got an email from montse who said she'd love for me to stay at her place in guanajuato (w/in walking distance of everywhere, and she's a college student, too), and she'd even love to retrieve me at the airport if i'd like her to. i've informed other friends, too (diana, patty, danae, lupita, gilberto, and, yes, beto) so i'm hoping that a crazy miracle will happen and i'll not feel tired for the 2 and a half days i'm there and will be able to spend all day and all night with my friends, experiencing guanajuato once more. i miss it there, the smell, the sound of the music, the feel of the uneven streets, the taste of the enchiladas (crap!, this whole vegetarian thing... good thing i love beans and mushrooms...) the sight of the colors, the movement of el baile, the hugs, the smiles, the laughter, the modismos guanajuatenses. everything. i hope to be able to drop literally everything school-related and just go and enjoy myself for the time being. live fully and deeply, right?

with all this said.......
it's homework time.

for those of you who are reading this, with whom i've not been in touch forever: know i love you, and i thank you for your notes of love and encouragement. i am always reluctant to respond to an email when i have little time or energy, b/c i feel you deserve a wonderful response, and i can't deliver quite that at times. it's no excuse for not writing, i though. i'll get there... i promise. keep up the notes, though-- those who've written and those who haven't...

so, i've got a TON to say, but this'll have to do for now

i know i've got my head in the clouds, but the greatest part of me forever wants to be a student, and with that, fully take advantage of student loan opportunities while they're available (i know, they have to be paid back eventually, but... these experiences... oh my gosh... are there words enough for them???). i'm addicted to the idea of spending a portion of the summer studying spanish language and latin american culture in the dominican republic. june-july, 2 advanced courses, a completely different place and people and culture. through isa, the same group i studied abroad through with the multi-country program. the college credit obviously wouldn't matter but the experience... the learning... ooooh yes...

argh

why does my mind forever have to be on the next big adventure?
this IS an adventure i'm living, even right now
it's true
and i'm sorry if i don't express it very well.

thoughts?

i'm a souljah

so, i'm a souljah. yep, indeed, it's true. bvu step team: combining traditional african dance movements with stomps, claps, and rhythm. think african american fraternities and sororities. think discipline. think loud stomps, loud claps, energy all across the stage, all in accordance with each other. think hott. that's seriously what this is. i thought i got a huge rush just watching the souljah's shows in past years: it's nothing compared to actually doing it. tonight was the second and last night of "auditions" in which we learned a few new routines, and bam-- welcome to the group. the only way to eliminate myself is to not show up to practices, which are every wednesday and thursday night from, essentially, 9 to 10:30 pm. you can bet i'll be there.... feelin' the rhythm and learnin' how to make this body move (and getting an incredible workout and stress relief in the process... and gaining ENERGY... energy like never, ever before!!!!).

on another note or two:
i decided to audit the class instead of drop it. that way i can still learn the material...
and,
two of my nepalese friends came over a few minutes ago so they could eat veggie burgers. ever had anybody visit you at almost 1am in hopes of having one of your veggie burgers? and were they nepalese. definitely one of my more interesting experiences. college. really, everything happens here.

i don't want to do it, but i think i have to

i need to drop a class. i have to drop a class. i'm not sure which sentence is correct, but either way, it's something that has to be done. i'm not happy with it. the only class i can technically afford to rid of is a class i absolutely adore (as i adore every single one of my classes this semester!), but it's outside the realms of spanish, ed, and phil/rel and for that reason... it can technically take the boot. i hate this. i wanted each of my classes. but this is the first night i will have been to bed before 4:30 or 5 am in a week... a few of those nights being sleepless... i've got to have more time for life... outside of classes... two jobs... clubs and step team... looking at after-college stuff... social life (yes, one that really exists and probably now more than ever before... ra... oh yeah, honor's program which i haven't even gotten to begin thinking about... i don't want to drop a class, but i think i just absolutely have to.

tonight: if i can get more than 5 hrs of sleep, i'll be a very happy person tomorrow (if i'm not sick by that time).

when did this become me?

i love my residents

Oh how loved I feel
Originally uploaded by LeishaJo.

here's what is typically on the marker board on my door..

oh, how i love my residents and friends here at bvu!!!!!

going through the motions

quieter today
this is a window into the stuff that goes on behind what we think about it & even if we were all to disappear tomorrow it would go on without even noticing except to comment now and then that it was quieter today than usual
--storypeople.com story of the day

i didn't read this storypeople.com snippet until this evening, when i got back from what seemed like a million hours of classes and work and meetings, and i had been composing a post in my head at the time. although it may or may not have anything to do with the story of the day, i think i know what it means, and i think it's applicable to life as i know it now, except things didn't seem quieter today-- they seemed louder.

louder? yeah. inside my head, at least.

ever felt like you were merely going through the motions of something that you should technically be really "into"? or at least you're expected to be into it-- by others and by yourself-- but then you're not, and the moment of truth comes to try to prove yourself, and you fail miserably in the process? ok, so i didn't fail miserably-- but inside i felt like i'd failed myself. i felt like i hadn't put the effort forth that i should have, and not only did i let myself down, but i let others down in the process (whether they realize it or not). to what am i referring? well, last spring, i was selected as an alternate panelist for the ahls-- american heritage lecture series-- for this fall, and madame jehan sedat, former first lady of egypt, will be the guest speaker. there are always panelists-- selected students-- who come together to do research, form questions, and end up on the stage posing the questions in front of the entire university community to madame sedat. it's a heavy process, and it's monitored by the moderator and a couple of other profs (profs who really know their stuff!). today was supposed to be the day when we had our research done and three detailed questions posed for the topic we were given (my topic was something to do with education, women, and the middle east). i had a freak-out moment right before the meeting and almost considered making up an extremely lame excuse as to why i couldn't be at the meeting (save face sort of thing-- no, i don't do that often, but i'm apparently not too far above it, as today proves). i didn't have the questions posed, and i'd gotten some articles and a book, but definitely hadn't printed them off and read through them actively. my thought going into the meeting-- and for each and every minute i was in the meeting-- was something along the lines of "dammit! why can't i b.s. things better??" seriously. i'm a terrible b.s.'er-- i can bust out papers at the last minute and have them sound great, but as far as working under pressure and acting like i know something about anything when i really don't know a thing, i just can't do it-- i can't even try. i did what i could in the meeting, but still left feeling miserable about what a slacker i'd been. madame sedat is a strong woman and an advocate for education and peace in the middle east. why am i not more "into" this? is it because i'm "just" an alternate panelist? i thought i was over that. maybe i'm not? am i really more concerned with peace in some parts of the world (the parts i'm naturally biased toward), and not with other parts of the world? what kind of advocate for peace does that make me, if one at all? is it intimidation because, although i was selected, i still feel like i don't know near enough or have the critical thinking skills enough to formulate the caliber of questions that the moderator and profs want us to form? is it knowing that i'm not as intelligent on some things as people make me out to be, and feeling lost somewhere in a hole that's too deep to get out of because of it?

introspection. gotta love it.

it's been one of those days where i could really use some good "leisha time," and before or after the good leisha time, some really good hugs. some friends have provided for me this evening already. i've also had a talk with a guy friend whose heart is absolutely broken for his girlfriend (or rather, ex-girlfriend), an international student who just returned home, and listening to it just about made my heart break. why does love have to be so difficult? why is it that people continue to give and give and give in love even when they probably won't win? this guy loves her, respects her, would do just about anything for her. i hope he keeps enough of himself for, well, himself... otherwise... life is just ruined.

speaking of the love front, we all could really use some confusion in our lives, couldn't we. yes, sounds like lots of fun, i know. maybe i've started to be "a gusto" with somebody who is maybe "a gusto" with me (possibility, yes, i do think so) but the cirumstances are, well, just frickin' weird. of course this would happen in my senior year when i'm looking most toward my future and moving along in life. good grief. life and love are two very interesting things, wouldn't you agree?

and so is friendship.
but that's another story, for another day.

what's up for tonight: trying out for the step team, souljahs. wish me luck, guys. this is something i've been wanting to do almost more than anything else while in college (minus study abroad and int'l travels), but have just had to work the courage up. it's here, i think i've got it-- if i can just hold it through this evening...

thanks for falling, tray (and other tales from college)

ever seen the kid in the cafeteria who waited until he or she had all of his or her food on his or her tray to accidentally have the most humiliating thing in the world happen to him or her-- have the tray drop, food go all over the place, beverages splash all over clothing, complete with loud sounds of plates breaking?

you should have been there this evening to join in my moment! (yeah, i was that kid.) my only real response to it (besides saying "i'm sorry" profusely to the people who rushed to clean it up) was "wait a second, this sort of stuff happens to other people, not ME!" joking, of course. it does happen to me. starting today.

but we'll not be making a habit out of this.


_________

on the other hand, it's back to work for leisha at TLC at the middle school. love it, love it, love it. it's unbelievable how those kids grow, and all the more wonderful to start out the year with them (instead of joining the gang at the end of the year) so i can get to know them/they can get to know me more quickly. there are a couple of new students who hardly speak any english, so guess who'll get to take care of that department? i am so psyched. i love this job. except i'm not so sure about the bus driver for the after-school program. he came in and gave the kids a little "pep talk." this pep talk basically prepared the students for what military service might be like, or at least boot camp. we college staffers were terrified, so to imagine how the 5th-8th graders felt. i tried to stifle my laughter, but it was difficult. oh, well. there are worse things. hopefully they all made it home safely in time for dinner, though... eek...

_________

and speaking of speaking... no english, i mean... and speaking of guessing... guess who's been asked to give a campus tour to a delegation of mexicans from storm lake's sister city in mexico (either outside of guanajuato or outside of guadalajara; the prof wasn't able to remember very well) in a few weeks? it'll be about an hour long, and given completely in... yep... you guess it: ESPANOL!!!!!! oh, man. happy camper, i am.

_________

life is good.
and now, i shall go read.

International student meal

This is what it's like...
Originally uploaded by LeishaJo.

So, Sunday night was the big international student meal at Ken's house-- the 3 Japanese students, 5 Nepalese students, and Shaun and I were there (and of course Ken, too!) at Ken's house right down the road from the university. The meal was supposed to be ready at 6, but didn't end up being ready until about 8:45, so we had a couple of hours of playing games, laughing, pillow-fighting, talking, and more-- and then, the best part of all: we shared together in an AMAZING nepalese/indian home-cooked meal... made completely by the guys... and yes, a few of the guys and I definitely ate with our right hands.

Yes, mom and dad, I'm definitely planning on kidnapping at least a couple of them over Thanksgiving break. Then we could plan on a nontraditional Thanksgiving dinner-- Nepali style, no work at all on Mom's part (except just enjoying the grub). Sound good??

Nishan and Leisha

Nishan and Leisha
Originally uploaded by LeishaJo.

Cheesy smiles... literally... the thing in my hand was asparagus wrapped in mozarella cheese. Really cheesy!

Ee se no de!

Ee se no de!
Originally uploaded by LeishaJo.

Nothing like a good ole' game of "Ee se no de" with three Japanese girls, a Korean-American guy who knows Japanese, 5 guys who speak Nepali to each other all the time, and, well, me. (Here are the guys, battling it out.)

Bishnu and Nishan

Bishnu and Nishan
Originally uploaded by LeishaJo.

Meet Bishnu and Nishan, just two of the 5 guys who are here studying biology for four years, from Nepal.

i'm not sure

is there something bigger out there for me--
bigger than guatemala,
bigger than argentina,
bigger than peru?

of course i'm referring to being a YAV after i graduate--
and i never thought i'd be asking myself this (and i think it's more-so because of a long-standing obsession with a language more than anything else, not a disinterest in other cultures or peoples or lands),
but--
what about kenya?
what about hungary?
what about ireland?
what about the philippines?
and, as it's been rather heavy on my mind and heart this past week,
what about india?

if only they weren't so frickin' expensive

jelly belly's got a Sport Beans line out now, complete with carbs, electrolytes, and vitamins B & C (at least, on the lemon lime ones).

energizing jelly beans. brilliant. but... (refer to post title). maybe i'll have to budget for them.