going through the motions

quieter today
this is a window into the stuff that goes on behind what we think about it & even if we were all to disappear tomorrow it would go on without even noticing except to comment now and then that it was quieter today than usual
--storypeople.com story of the day

i didn't read this storypeople.com snippet until this evening, when i got back from what seemed like a million hours of classes and work and meetings, and i had been composing a post in my head at the time. although it may or may not have anything to do with the story of the day, i think i know what it means, and i think it's applicable to life as i know it now, except things didn't seem quieter today-- they seemed louder.

louder? yeah. inside my head, at least.

ever felt like you were merely going through the motions of something that you should technically be really "into"? or at least you're expected to be into it-- by others and by yourself-- but then you're not, and the moment of truth comes to try to prove yourself, and you fail miserably in the process? ok, so i didn't fail miserably-- but inside i felt like i'd failed myself. i felt like i hadn't put the effort forth that i should have, and not only did i let myself down, but i let others down in the process (whether they realize it or not). to what am i referring? well, last spring, i was selected as an alternate panelist for the ahls-- american heritage lecture series-- for this fall, and madame jehan sedat, former first lady of egypt, will be the guest speaker. there are always panelists-- selected students-- who come together to do research, form questions, and end up on the stage posing the questions in front of the entire university community to madame sedat. it's a heavy process, and it's monitored by the moderator and a couple of other profs (profs who really know their stuff!). today was supposed to be the day when we had our research done and three detailed questions posed for the topic we were given (my topic was something to do with education, women, and the middle east). i had a freak-out moment right before the meeting and almost considered making up an extremely lame excuse as to why i couldn't be at the meeting (save face sort of thing-- no, i don't do that often, but i'm apparently not too far above it, as today proves). i didn't have the questions posed, and i'd gotten some articles and a book, but definitely hadn't printed them off and read through them actively. my thought going into the meeting-- and for each and every minute i was in the meeting-- was something along the lines of "dammit! why can't i b.s. things better??" seriously. i'm a terrible b.s.'er-- i can bust out papers at the last minute and have them sound great, but as far as working under pressure and acting like i know something about anything when i really don't know a thing, i just can't do it-- i can't even try. i did what i could in the meeting, but still left feeling miserable about what a slacker i'd been. madame sedat is a strong woman and an advocate for education and peace in the middle east. why am i not more "into" this? is it because i'm "just" an alternate panelist? i thought i was over that. maybe i'm not? am i really more concerned with peace in some parts of the world (the parts i'm naturally biased toward), and not with other parts of the world? what kind of advocate for peace does that make me, if one at all? is it intimidation because, although i was selected, i still feel like i don't know near enough or have the critical thinking skills enough to formulate the caliber of questions that the moderator and profs want us to form? is it knowing that i'm not as intelligent on some things as people make me out to be, and feeling lost somewhere in a hole that's too deep to get out of because of it?

introspection. gotta love it.

it's been one of those days where i could really use some good "leisha time," and before or after the good leisha time, some really good hugs. some friends have provided for me this evening already. i've also had a talk with a guy friend whose heart is absolutely broken for his girlfriend (or rather, ex-girlfriend), an international student who just returned home, and listening to it just about made my heart break. why does love have to be so difficult? why is it that people continue to give and give and give in love even when they probably won't win? this guy loves her, respects her, would do just about anything for her. i hope he keeps enough of himself for, well, himself... otherwise... life is just ruined.

speaking of the love front, we all could really use some confusion in our lives, couldn't we. yes, sounds like lots of fun, i know. maybe i've started to be "a gusto" with somebody who is maybe "a gusto" with me (possibility, yes, i do think so) but the cirumstances are, well, just frickin' weird. of course this would happen in my senior year when i'm looking most toward my future and moving along in life. good grief. life and love are two very interesting things, wouldn't you agree?

and so is friendship.
but that's another story, for another day.

what's up for tonight: trying out for the step team, souljahs. wish me luck, guys. this is something i've been wanting to do almost more than anything else while in college (minus study abroad and int'l travels), but have just had to work the courage up. it's here, i think i've got it-- if i can just hold it through this evening...