ser guanajuatense

seeing as there's always more to get done, always and forever more,
i have a hard time convincing myself that i care anymore.




on another note:
an apartment in guanajuato from 800 to 1000 or 2000 pesos/month including all services sure doesn't sound bad to me right about now. sure kicks the arse of the hits i get online regarding the beautiful places for americans to go and live. ummm not quite what i'm interested in. of course i've got something going against me, as a good friend from guanajuato pointed out to me: i'm a guerita, and i speak english. (as though that's my own damn fault!) but i want to live how a guanajuatense would live, not how a norteamericana would live. of course i want to be a YAV, but i've got forever that i can do that. i want to be in guanajuato right NOW. not forever, just for a while. to work. live. study. give myself some moments to live and enjoy myself yet struggle at the same time. this whole college thing has taken the best of me. i want to experience it (la vida alla), and understand it to the best of my ability, understanding that there will always be separation due to factors that i can't change, but the factors that i CAN change, i want to change. i don't think my parents understand my longing to be there. actually, i think dad does a bit, and mom doesn't at all. i can't say for sure, but i think the consensus is that it's all fun and games down there. if so, that would make my experience down there a thing of tourism each and every time, and tourism isn't what i'm into. it's living the life. it's feeling as though i really am a part of the city, of the people, of the culture, the language, all of which i absolutely love. there's struggle that goes with it. there are difficulties. within me, and all around me. i want to know more about it. i want to live it.

i have other friends who have done it, or who are doing it. for instance, veronica, from germany, whom i lived with my first time around in guanajuato. she ended up getting her own apartment and living there for a while, studying and working. and audrea, who's heading back to buenos aires right after her college graduation in about a week, to live and work. she doesn't have everything set for her, or really, anything set, but i think that's a huge part of doing it, and living the adventure, the experience. it's something that i see as necessary for this generation and for future generations, something that i doubt was deemed as so "acceptable" in past generations. something that i want to live before i'm in a position where i'll never have the opportunity to do it again.



i guess, right now, i just want to get out of here. for the semester, for the year, for this lifetime, i'm not sure. i'm too drowned in crap to get done to think clearly and fairly as i am normally able to do. i know i didn't enter this semester with the attitude that i wanted to "get out of here," and i know that's not what i'm really feeling, but i don't know how to articulate the feelings as they really are. i'm just swamped. i want to sleep. i want to breathe. i want to wake up. i want to live.