Jury Duty

I listened to a Supertones CD today that I haven't listened to in a looooong time. I had one song in mind to listen to, but ended up listening to (quite LOUDLY!, which was a nice release... I'm gonna give the guys to the right of me a run for their money, just you wait) the whole thing, and was reminded of what amazingly true lyrics the songs have.

One of the songs (Jury Duty) that had become my favorite years ago had these lines in the chorus:
"I don't always thank You for the rough days
And the hard times in my life,
Even though I should."

I put it on repeat for a few rounds. Talk about a reminder about how far I am from where I should be in terms of my relationship with God and spiritual life. Not to say I'm using any certain marker to determine where "should" really is, but I just don't feel, personally, like I'm "there." There are several ideas in my head as to why-- most having to do just with where life has taken me (literally all over! not just in terms of geographically but in other ways, too) these past couple of years.

Basically, today had some highs and today had some (pretty crappy) lows. The lows, I wish wouldn't have happened, but then again, I probably wouldn't be in the mindset I am right now, if it/they hadn't have happened. The more non-tactful way of putting it is that sometimes we all need a swift kick in the ass to finally realize one thing or another. Yeah. I said ass. But... it ties in with the lyrics to Jury Duty. I should be thankful for these moments... I really should be. God has them happen for a reason; as much as I forget it sometimes, they are the things that are helping and molding me into who and what I am, and creating the passions that are, in turn, opening doors for my future. "I don't always thank You for the rough days and the hard times in my life, even though I should." I'll be saying some words of thanks tonight, I'm sure.

The short of the lows is that I need to practice stepping back from situations before I act on them. In most cases, this means THINKING about what I say (when I'm upset, or whatever) before I actually SAY it. I do an OK job most of the time, but let's face it, nobody's perfect (and I'm far from it). In other cases, this means I need to get a grip, or a hold on myself, before I allow myself to become too emotional about something, whether inwardly or outwardly. If there's anything I've learned through all of these experiences I've had during college, it's that nothing is ever permanent. Things change, and if they don't, then they should. There's no use getting worked up about something that really isn't the end of the world either way. Also, I get frustrated when I allow people to "control" how I'm feeling, but then again, we're talking about feelings. If I'm going to be upset about something, I'm going to be upset about something, and that's that. Feelings and emotions aren't things that can or should be stifled, or treated as though they can or should be turned off at a moment's notice. Truth is, they can't be. And if it's are, then it isn't healthy. So I GUESS the case is that, today, I experienced emotions in a healthy way (although it may not have been in the most positive way, how I handled it). But, as the saying goes (and yes, another naughty word is coming up-- apparently I'm becoming a sailor), shit happens. We have to pack things up and move along.

The rest of the day happened, and am I ever glad that it did (it allowed me to pack up and move along, like I just said). Timing was actually quite strange... not strange, actually. Wonderful. Something went terribly with one friend (?) and then something went great with another-- and I got a surprise call from Todd, with whom I hadn't talked on the phone for a couple of weeks (which was a change after talking 'til all hours of the morning, catching up at camp and then several times on the phone after I'd gotten home). I asked if he'd utilized my campus address recently, and he 'fessed up-- the pajamagram WAS from him. (Once again, not surprised by that.) The convo went great, and was a nice release from all of the other day's events (and the realness with which we both spoke was a real relief). Everything after that went well. The "open door policy" that RAs typically implement (basically, whenever we're in our rooms, we try to have our doors open so people can be welcoming to other people or so we can just be interacting instead of shutting people out) was re-affirmed as a wonderful thing, as my friend Crystal stopped by and saw me as my door was open (as well as several other people, but Crystal's visit meant the most to me) and we had a short, but good, heart-to-heart. Both of us had had an up-and-down day, and although we barely mentioned anything about what the issues at hand were, we seemed to connect on how we felt, anyway. She's somebody I didn't get to know until the last part of the semester last year, and I'm making a goal of spending a lot more time with her this year. As a side note, she's already asked me if I'd work together with her to plan the Women's Retreat this year, and I've (of course!) accepted. I can't wait. But anyway.

More ups from today (b/c, after all, what's the point of dwelling on the downs?): my new students on the floor ROCK. After taking them on a personal tour to help them find where their classes will be tomorrow, I ended up chillin' on the futon in one room and talking with the gals there (and another guy who was hanging out there) for about a half hour. One gal in particular was asking quite a few questions-- all very mature and applicable-- and reminded me a lot of myself when I was her. Everyone seems quite respectful, which is always a relief for RAs. The difference between returning students on this floor (the party guys, basically) and the new students is VAST. It's my hope that these new students will actually end up being good examples for the returners-- the older students-- although I'm almost sure the returners are already set in their ways and practices. If nothing else, then just mutual respect on the floor... would be GREAT. I love working with Stu, my co RA-- he's SO much fun and a truly mature and decent guy (a rare breed on this campus, I think!!)-- and he's got a great attitude, so that helps a lot. Actually, the entire Liberty RA staff is absolutely amazing. Guys, girls, both. I'm truly blessed to be working with each of them.

So, classes... it's inevitable. Senior year begins TOMORROW! In just a matter of hours, actually. Am I ready? For classes, sure, why not? To leave this place, maybe not, but there's no use crying over it yet. I really think this is going to be a great year. In fact, I know it is.

Here's to this crazy, emotionally charged day. Here's to ups, and down and everything in-between, to true friends, to great phone conversations, to pick-me-up convos, to a great weekend of meeting new people and being re-united with old friends. And, of course, to classes that begin tomorrow...