left-handed pants, gosh

left-handed pants have the buttons on the ABNORMAL side. as in, if i were a lefty, it'd be MUCH easier to button the pants, but instead, it takes SKILL and EFFORT to get them buttoned.

gosh.

deep stuff

it's been snowing off and on today. how odd. i mean one moment it looks pretty warm and sunshiny out and then the next moment it looks like there's a blizzard. the midwest. hmph.

i really could've afforded to have more sleep last night. but i still got up at 7:30 and worked straight until my class at 11. oh, and i read for my noon class-- right before i found out that class was cancelled for today. :-0 oh well. so here i am, naturally making the best use of my time during this now-free hour by blogging. c'est la vie.

i have on cute earrings today, according to my residents. they are white and pink and really sort of happy. i got them for really cheap at claire's. gosh, i love getting cheap stuff at claire's (earrings in particular). i am the queen of good-looking cheap things. yes, all hail me.

for some reason i have been sitting in my actual chair instead of my exercise ball for the past 4ish days. now i look at the ball sitting across my room and i think, oh no, i've neglected you. maybe i should start using it to exercise, and it wont be so lonely. and maybe my midsection will thank me. hmmmm.

i think i would like to travel. right now. just pack a suitcase and get up and go.

or, i'd like to drink some water. b/c i feel pretty darn dehydrated........

oh and btw, i'm wearing left-handed pants today. just thought you should know.

my body hates me

for staying up so darn late last night. :-/ must... take... nap...

whoops

just happened to talk online until about 6 am (or was it after that?)..... needless to say, i didn't get much sleep, and i also missed church (on purpose though-- i was awake on time-- but wasn't quite functioning). what a bad kid i am! to make up for it, i put "shine" by newsboys on itunes on repeat... and prayed a bunch. yeah. :) (sorry, God! You know i still love You mongo bunches!)

time for homework. soo much to do. huge test tomorrow night in my class-- the class i only have once a week; the one where the prof talks more about her family than she does about the subject matter. (grrrr) so i have a lot of reading to do for that, and beyond that, argh... i don't even want to think about what else i have to do. i do know that at 3:00 i'm having the community builder in the lounge-- we'll be writing letters to an adopted grandma here in storm lake-- then going to a step concert at 7 (stepping; african american tradition-- i have some friends who'll be in it!), will be missing bible study or most of it-- yikes-- lol, then tony's memorial service at 9. oh and on top of that today is the deadline for the new bulletin boards to be put up by ra's...... can't forget that one. i'm not sure what the consequence of not having it up will be, and i'm pretty sure i don't want to find out anytime soon. so what else. yes... homework. papers, a quiz. prep for a test. blah! why can't spring break get here quicker?

*insert napoleon dynamite's "gosh" here* all i want to do is *friggen* talk online. :-0 i'm bad. i know. ok here goes homework.

how do you get that lonely

a friend who went to st. louis also this weekend just sent this to me...... wow.

"how do you get that lonely" by blaine larsen:

It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face down on his bedroom floor
There’ll be services on Friday at the Lawrence Funeral Home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they’ll lay him ‘neath a stone
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely…and nobody know
Did his girlfriend break up with him, did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
Did his Mom and Dad forget to say ‘I love you son‘?
Did no one see the writing on the wall?
I’m not blamin’ anybody, we all do the best we can
I know hindsights 20/20, but I still don’t understand
How do you get that lonely, how do you hurt that bad
To make you make the call, that havin’ no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go
How do you get that lonely…and nobody know
It was just another story printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger’s football score

missing out on life

I often wonder how much of life I’m missing out on just because I may not be paying attention. Like, how many things pass me by on a daily basis that I could have or should have done or paid attention to. It’s not as if I don’t pay attention to the things around me—and what’s going on—but surely there must be things that we all miss… just because (nobody knows, it just happens). Hmmm. Just something I was thinking about today on the way back to school from the funeral.

As for the funeral… There was a group of 11 of us students from BV. We looked so depressing, all in black. It made me think that, at my funeral, I’m going to request that (or rather, I’ll have my family request that) people wear happy colors like… yellow… and blue… and pink or something. Just none of that all-black stuff! I love wearing black, but come on… if a funeral is a celebration of someone’s life, then why would we want to celebrate that life when everyone’s wearing such a dismal color as black?

Emotionally jarring would be the appropriate words to use about the funeral. I think it really hit me as soon as the casket was brought down the aisle. Wow… that’s my friend in there. My friend who was only a year older than me, my friend who was so full of passion and genius and life and ambition, my friend… who committed suicide. So… hello, tears. The piano was playing some of the most gorgeous songs, but the type that make you just break down (were they written for that reason!? If so, their purpose has been served well). Sitting there in a row with my former roomie and others who lived on the same floor as Tony last year, I tried to think about how other people felt. I think we all pretty much felt the same. None of us had really ever lost a friend around our own age, let alone to suicide. Suicide… wow… that’s one I’ve been trying to ponder all day. You see, I think I could handle the fact that Tony’s life was taken from him, if he’d been in an accident or something like that (sounds bad I know, but hear me out)… something a little more… natural. But the idea of him taking it himself when he had a million things going for him in his near future—much harder to grasp such a concept. The tears that I was crying had a lot to do with that fact. He took his own life, and now his family must be faced with that for the rest of their lives. I saw the looks on their faces… he had around 5 siblings… I saw their tears (and their amazing resemblances in facial features; it was almost as though Tony were there himself). At the luncheon, as they were all sitting around the tables, I imagined myself in their shoes, mourning the death of my own sibling (one of my brothers). I do not know how they made it through that time… those smiles had to be forced… they had to just be dying inside. I know I would be if one of my brothers committed suicide, especially at a young age. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle it……

I know Tony was hurting. But isn’t there a better way to cope with such pain?

*Sigh*… there are many questions in life which hold no immediate answers. Maybe in time we’ll all understand. But then again, maybe not. Either way…

it was

'steak night' down in the servery... woohoooooo!

the tummy is stuffed.

time to get back on this paper. 4 hours to go.

brrrr, it's cold out there

ok... so i went for a jog outside; something i've been wanting to do for a long while. the sun was shining and it was beautiful out. but... apparently not warm enough to wear shorts. so here i am, 3 miles later, back in my room with legs that don't look like they'll be dethawing anytime soon. well-- at least they look colder than they really are, except they're doing that whole itchy thing now... then burning... eh well that's how it goes. hehe

so, yeah-- i love jogging along the storm lake path. it's so beautiful, like its own little world away from campus, although it starts right by the campus. there were some other walkers out (i love the elderly walkers who are always out walking!) and i saw two rollerbladers. fun. :) i was listening to the david crowder band cd, which made the jog even better. i want to be able to go out and do that more...... i sure miss my cross country running days. i fear i'm not exactly in the same shape as then. ok, so not at all... lol.

still to do: write this paper by the time i leave for the funeral at 11 tonight. eek... it's more fun to blog, you know.

oh what a beautiful morning

(doesn't that just make you want to sing!?)

wow, it's mornings like this morning when i walk outside and am completely covered by the sun's bright rays that i know i am where i'm supposed to be. that, and the fact that it's february and i don't think i've worn a heavy coat but once this month... and it's northwest iowa. put those two together (meaning, i have my hot pink "snow bunny" hoodie on and nothing else-- ok, well jeans, and my boots, but you know what i mean) and you've got a happy camper.

it's 8:45 in the morning which means i should be knocked out asleep. but nope! have already eaten breakfast and i'm just sitting down to get on my homework since i obviously didn't do it yesterday. only two classes, and aa stuff today... woohoo!

i talked w/ jon m down in the servery (one of tony's suitemates) and he said that the guys in the suite have really gotten a lot closer this week through tony's death. he said they really felt more like a family right now, and they're talking a lot as well. i am glad for them. sad, but glad.

what's on itunes right now: love song for a savior, by jars of clay. never have i ever heard a song better than this one. there are a lot that come close, but i think i will forever think of this as the best song ever written... i often think it was written for me. i fell in love w/ the song yeeeears ago (could it have been 9 to 10 years ago?) and every time i hear it, it still has the same effect on me. God is definitely good...

i've had something on my mind this week... something i'm really excited about. check it out:

Select dean's fellows:
It's that time of year again! Time to nominate great sophs for one of the most amazing opportunities of your life--the J Leslie Rollins Fellowship. If you recall, BV honors one sophomore student who has a proposal for a special project and helps that student make the dream come true by fully financing the student's project. Read below. If you have a project you're interested in studying, a place you're dreaming to travel, a way you can do service, or virtually ANY project with an academic or service focus, this is the opportunity for you!!! This is a super competitive process but wow....one worth considering. If you recall, Tiff Cornelius' recent trip to Africa to work with orphans and AIDS patients, this is the award that paid for that trip and this amazing life-altering opportunity! Think carefully about possibilities and let me know if you have a project you wish to be funded. Again, read below since you will need to provide research and data to show the worthiness of your proposal. Think big!!
B.

We are seeking nominations for the J. Leslie Rollins Fellowship Award. This award is given to a sophomore student to enable the student to develop his/her talents and interests beyond the opportunities in the normal curriculum of the university. If you have an outstanding sophomore student you would like to nominate, I would appreciate hearing from you by Wednesday, March 2, 2005. My office will send nominees a letter asking them to submit a proposal outlining an experience they would like to pursue if selected for the award. The recipient of the award will be announced at the Academic and Achievement Awards Banquet on Saturday, April 30.
To assist you in working with students on this project, I should note that this award has become extremely competitive. The strongest applications are built around a truly compelling idea and demonstrate significant legwork in contacting organizations or individuals involved. The students essay should include the outlines of a transforming experience, a budget, and evidence of the students research into the area and contacts with potential Rollins hosts.
Please contact my office if you have any questions. We appreciate your help in selecting a deserving student for this award.

beth emailed me and told me to THINK BIG!, so i'm trying to think as big as i can. my mind keeps going to the subject of peace and nonviolence-- something i've been really big on this year, espec. since after the conference in baltimore. what could i do w/ that, though? i want to get ahold of colman mccarthy somehow and get his advice (he's the creator of the center for teaching peace in the u.s.)... b/c i really do want to think of something BIG. wow... the opportunities that bv has given me. i got the freshman schol last year thanks to beth (for those of you who don't know, beth was my freshman advisor and 1st year sem prof-- she's by far THE most amazing professor i've ever known), and to think-- maybe i could get this one, as well. wheeee! who knows though... we'll see. (meanwhile, if anybody has any ideas of anything really BIG, shoot some ideas my way!). :)

ok....... time to do homework like i said i would. but........ i'd really rather go for a walk outside. *sigh* homework first. :)

in memory

just learned how to use flickr!-- yahoo!-- since hello just wasn't agreeing w/ me. this pic is in memory of bv's friend tony bossi. (2nd guy from the left in the very back, right behind me)

yellow curtains make me happy

the yellow window curtains that grandma made for me make me happy. i'm sitting on my futon, facing the window curtains, and... yes. bright and happy. and i like that.

hmm... so... what to say. i haven't kept this very updated recently. it's been a really different week though. i think i've done almost... well... no homework this week, or what seems like it. i sat in the library for 3 hours at my favorite little study table spot and didn't get more than 1/2 a page written on my religion & culture paper. it's like i know what i want to say, but don't know how to say it. and then thinking about a friend randomly taking his life..... and how his family must feel right now..... just impossible for me to comprehend. fri night at 11, though, the bus is leaving from bv for his funeral, and i'll be on the bus. there's so much to get done this weekend, but i know i need to go. the other things can wait.

oh! my exercise ball! for those of you who don't know, this semester i've had a new friend in my room: the 65cm exercise ball, color: blue. reebok. i use it as my chair. also as my foot rest. something to exercise w/ a little bit. something to just randomly bounce on. yes, this exercise ball is a fun toy and pc. of furniture. someday, w/ my teacher salary, i shall have exercise balls instead of chairs in my living and dining room. ;-)

bob the bonsai is still alive and kickin'. springtime is coming though so i think he'll be needing a re-potting-and-fertilizing. w/ that, i think i shall rename him. he shall become a her, and she shall be named bonita bonsai. my rd said i may not want to change its name at this pt. and time-- it may give it a complex or something-- but i think he/she'll be able to handle it. if she survived last semester, she can survive a name-changing (and, yes, a sex change... but please don't dwell on that, friends).

so this paper? yeah. not so much. too much fun talking online. (shoutout to jon, from the east and the southwest!)

it's friday morning which means... maybe i should sleep sometime. hmm. busy day ahead. oh well... like this paper, sleep can wait. (lol) peace, friends!

i am

pleasantly addicted to procrastinating on these papers by means of chatting online w/ a friend.

somebody get me a chai latte, please, this'll be a late night. :-D

God, grant me strength

to make it through this night.

just thought you should know

that my legs are really hairy right now. i can't remember the last time i shaved them.

yep...

if i knew

if i knew it'd be the last time
that i'd see you fall asleep
i would tuck you in more snuggly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
if i knew it'd be the last time
i'd see you walk out the door,
i would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for more.
if i knew it'd be the last time
i'd hear your voice lifted in praise,
i would video tape each action
to play back day after day.
if i knew it'd be the last time
i could stop and say "I LOVE YOU"
i could spare an extra minute
instead of assuming you know i do.
if i knew it'd be the last time
i'd be there to share your day....
"well i'm sure you'll have so many more,
so i can let just this one slip away."
for surely there's tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.
"there will always be another day
to say that i love you,
and certainly there's another chance
to say 'anything i can do?'"
but just in case i might be wrong
and today is all i get,
like to say how much you're loved
and determine to never forget.
tomorrow's not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
and today may be the last time
you get to hold your loved one tight.
so if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not show love today?
for if tomorrow never comes
you'll surely regret the day
you didn't take some extra time
for a smile, a hug, a kiss;
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what was their one last wish.
so hold your loved ones close today
and whisper in their ear,
tell them how much you love them...
that you'll always hold them dear.
take time to say "i'm sorry,"
"please forgive me," "thank you," or "it's ok"
and if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.
~author unknown

rest in peace, tony bossi

so my friend committed suicide. i'll say it point-blank. in his room, here on campus, over the weekend. i won't even go into how he did it, but his roommate found him, and immediately all of the other suitemates saw him. i suppose i don't know what to think and don't know what to say, just like the majority of the people on campus who knew him-- we are all in shock about it. sure, it didn't surprise me 100%, but to think about all that he had going for him... and just what an incredible guy he was... that's where the shock comes in, at least for me.

tonight in the cent room we had a two-hour celebration of his life. we watched "godzilla eats las vegas," the music video he'd made through flash on his computer last semester-- he spent over 100 hours working on it and once stayed awake 3 days in a row just to get further on it. he begged and begged the band director to let the band play the piece on last semester's concert so he could display his work... he was soooo excited about this work. wow... and it truly was a masterpiece, considering he sat and taught himself how to do all of it in that time. we also watched a music video that he was in his freshman year for a class-- he and a few other guys had gotten an assignment where they had to take the alma mater and create something new w/ it, so they did a punk music video to it. he played bass guitar. it was so awesome... it truly showed who he was. fun. out there. just didn't care what others thought of him. he was... himself.

it was an open mic night. i got up and shared about a conversation he and i shared at the end of last semester. i was having a horrible semester. i sat down to dinner at the same table as him, b/c he was sitting there alone, and we hadn't talked in quite a while (not living on the same floor anymore can do that to you). i don't remember how the conversation even got started, but we ended up talking about relationships. here, i hadn't shared anything w/ any of my friends (except for, say, one) on campus about what i was going through, but for some reason, i was able to tell him. the funny thing was that he actually asked me. so we talked about it-- and he really listened, and really talked, and i was truly thankful for that. he said that i was a very patient person. i said that it was hard... but i knew i had to be. he said that he wasn't a patient person at all. later, we got into school-type conversation and he said something along the lines of me making a great teacher... before he knew i was an ed major. this really caught me. tony bossi had said this about me-- wow. we talked about my hope to work in the inner city or somewhere close, and he mentioned charter schools to me. the subject went to his experience growing up in a catholic school and then going to a public high school. that got us onto the subject of faith... religion. tony was a guy who "got it." now i hate to say that b/c he wasn't a true believer in God and His awesomeness-- he questioned-- and he argued-- over and over again (not w/ me, necessarily, but just in his life). i would like to say that i am a person who "has it," but it's nothing like him. his ideas-- so thought out, so backed up, so definite. maybe i never agreed w/ his view on religion, but i sure did respect the heck out of him for sharing what he believed in the ways that he did. i think everyone listened to tony when he talked. if they didn't... well... they sure missed out. tony was a bundle of pure genius. that could sum him up in a few words. i don't know... there's just not enough i can say about this guy.

last week, tony was walking out of the cent room as i was walking in. we exchanged hellos, as i was surprised to see him (it had been a while, and i was glad to see him). i remember saying to no one in particular-- man, tony bossi rocks my world. and it was true. he rocked my world from the moment i met him. which reminds me...

it was freshman year, in liberty, 3rd floor. while doing homework, brooke and i heard this guy running through the halls asking who the f--- had eaten his pop tart. i think i heard just about all of the obscenities in the book as he was trying to find out who took his pop tart. finally, we opened the door, and were like, what pop tart? basically, we gave him some crap back for fun and eventually he wanted to know what our names were. "guess," we said. he pointed to brooke and said leisha, and then pointed to me and said brooke. we let him believe that for quite some time... that was a good time. eventually he realized that he was a tad bit wrong on that one. after that, we started sharing common ground. he was from st. louis, mo, and used to work at an amc theatre. he loved jazz and computers. he loved ska and emo and all of that jazz (literally and figuratively). he felt like bv was a high school and he couldn't wait to finish his third year here and then go on to washington university for the 3-2 engineering program. i felt far from challenged, too, and so we shared the common ground of wanting to get back in mo. i soon gained a respect for tony in how he was his own person. never, ever could anybody define him but himself. he never let anybody tell him what to think or feel. he thought for himself, and shared those thoughts. even when i didn't completely agree with some of his views, i didn't care. he was a bold man for sharing them with such heart. and he did share. and he did have heart... he put his heart into everything...

there are a million stories i could tell about tony, which is funny, b/c i probably wouldn't be going on about him if he were still alive. that's sad. i wonder if he would have expected the cent room to be full of people tonight, sharing stories, laughs, tears, and his musical works? what if he knew that? would he have ended his life so quickly? 21 years old. so much life ahead of him. did he have any idea what he was doing? was he in such deep despair in his heart and mind that that was the only answer? it looks like that is the case. tony bossi, wherever you are, i hope you are free from your pain now. you didn't deserve whatever was hurting you. we miss you now, buddy. we're laughing and we're crying over you. we're re-evaluating our lives and even the meaning of life. you made a huge difference while you were living, so it comes as no surprise that you're making a difference even in your death (though if we could have a choice, we'd pick the differences that you made while you were living, man).

i can't get your smile out of my head. your eyes and how many words they spoke even w/o you opening your mouth. your camo jacket. your hands in your pockets, backpack on your back, walking down the sidewalk by yourself. what were you thinking during those times when you were walking by yourself? you intrigued me, tony bossi.

i could go on and on... but i won't on this blog. in my mind, though, you can bet that i can, and will. tony will never, ever be forgotten.

oh, and... remember that pop tart? yep... i ate it. and it tasted darn good. sorry, tony. but i was hungry. rest in peace, man. wherever you may be now.

death on campus

finding out that a friend of yours on campus just passed away is definitely not a good feeling......... more thoughts to come later.

kc or bust

in a few hours i'll be headin' home to surprise mom for her birthday! am bringin' my buddy dawnielle (from chicago) which will be a lot of fun. it'll be a short weekend, w/ about a quarter of the time driving, but oh well... it'll be worth it. :) hoorah!!!

welcome to the 90s

i am proud to say that i am a product of the 90s. let's just say that tonight after dinner i was chillin' w/ my mentee and buddy, shaun, and we started playing some 90s music. we ended up listening to 90s music for 3 hours!!!!!!-- hangin' out in the kitchen in swope w/ a bunch of other gals, quizzing each other to see if we could remember the name of the song or who the group or person was. man, it rocked. some of the songs took me to my happy place, when i was at those hilarious youngster dances and when i'd be riding in an automobile w/ my brothers, listening to 107.3, 93.3, or 102.1 when they were each great alternative stations. oasis, blind melon, gin blossoms, roxette, and many, many more..... heck yeah! w/ beautiful music like this, homework can wait a little longer. :-D

amen!

February 14, 2005

COLUMN: Male? White? Straight? Don't worry, it's still OK to be a Democrat

By Ethan Newlin, Iowa State Daily columnist

Every once in a while a little voice in my head asks, "Ethan, you're a guy. You're white. You're straight. You're a student, but you're not that poor. You were even raised Mormon. Why are you a Democrat?"

The answer I tell myself is not too different from what many of you think when you consider your political allegiances; they more closely resemble my personal values. Everyone is well aware now that "values" supposedly motivated the 3-percent margin of voters who swung the presidential election in President Bush's favor. Apparently their only values involve useless wedge issues. As a white, male, straight, young, upper-middle class Protestant, allow me to share my values as a Democrat.

I believe in the standard liberal "triple threat" of values: civil rights, freedom of expression and respect for dissent. I believe that the government's role in the economy should be to act as a safety net against fallout, fight corporate corruption, end monopolies and represent the rights of consumers. I also believe, however, that the government should never unnecessarily hinder industry from granting American prosperity, and I believe that Washington should spend as little taxpayer money as possible.

Let me tell you, my very conservative friends, what I do not believe. I do not believe it is right to scare people about Social Security 40 years from now when one out of every three children in America today have no health insurance. I don't see why the richest among us deserve the biggest tax breaks ("hurting" millionaires, they say? Tell Mr. Scrooge he can cry into a handful of Franklins while every school in America gets a makeover. I hear Benjamins and Gucci bags are pretty absorbent.) I do not believe it is right that we give tax breaks to corporations that shift jobs overseas while the average CEO in America makes 531 times the income of the average worker today.

I do not believe that America's greatest domestic threats are big government, frivolous lawsuits and abortion. I believe that America's greatest domestic problems are what they have always been: poverty, health care, corporate crime, corruption, education and racism. I do not believe that warehousing all of our criminals will benefit society, when nearly 60 percent of all first-time inmates return to prison and make the United States the largest prison state in the world. Even communist China does better than us when it comes to incarceration.

I admit that my party took a big hit this November, and it would be naive to say otherwise. If you pay any attention to cable news shows (which you shouldn't, unless it is "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart"), then you have been brainwashed into thinking that losing one election means that the Democrats are foolish for not simultaneously taking their own lives with pistols on the congressional floor. My advice to all of those cheering the "death" of the Democrats is to beware of the sweet-smelling perfume that is hype. Remember when everyone thought Howard Dean was unbeatable?

For better or for worse, the Democrats are here to stay, if only in a wounded state. I say this is a good thing. The Democrats had become bloated with legislative power, lazy in their ideals and failed to represent the best in their supporters. They controlled Congress for too long and grew complacent. Some people are saying this is the worst time to be a Democrat, and I say that is wrong. How often is it that one of the two parties in our system, so humbled that they'll honestly take all the advice and help they can get?

Hopefully, this defeat will put the fear of the voters back into the Washington Democrats, and they can remember that they should never, ever be ashamed of their values.

Copyright © 2004, Iowa State Daily

chug! chug! chug!

...had better chug! this vanilla frappuccino down pretty soon here or else i'm going to fall asleep at my laptop, attempting to get this paper started. argh. this is what happens when suddenly four or five papers need to be written, and quickly. you think-- augh-- where in the world should i start!? and then think about that for so long that the deadline comes up on you and you're like... what!? yep. sooooooo... here i am. the rough draft of my condensed polemic is due tomorrow at noon. i haven't gotten anywhere on it yet, and it sucks b/c i'm not one for writing rough drafts. i mean, i can't "just type" for the sake of having thoughts and words on paper... i have to have it just right, even in the rough draft. so i sit there forever thinking what to type. it's a curse.

so anyway. hello, starbucks vanilla frappuccino. actually, i don't like starbucks b/c they generally do not support fair trade... but all the servery has along the lines of caffeine that i'd actually drink are these frappuccinos. so for tonight, i'm being a traitor. b/c i need some help staying awake, and perhaps focusing (not a strong point of mine tonight).

here goes this paper.

the dog peed

today, as an academic assistant for sally brecher/scott richey, i walked to scott's house and walked scott's dog, heidi. very cute little dog. the point was to let her out so she could "go potty," but... one look at the carpet and i could tell... well, she already had. sad. sort of white carpet, but very yellow at the moment. i walked her for a little while anyway, and what would you know, she didn't lift a single leg even once. dogs. well... at least she's still cute. and... what a great opportunity for an aa... hehehe...

two beautiful carnations

the first showing of the vagina monologues went very well this evening... it was a rather tough crowd, but there were a number of laughs and they all walked away afterward w/ smiles on their faces-- so that is a good sign. got a number of "good job"s. good stuff. tomorrow night will be better, though. i know it!

right after the vm, it was steak night in the servery. steak night makes me happy. slather some heinz57 right on top of that steak and cut me open a little baked potato w/ mushrooms on top (and normally cottage cheese, except there wasn't any out this evening-- sad!) and pour me a glass of milk. yes, that's the stuff. not only that, but two of the sodexho men were wearing tuxes and handing out the most beautiful carnations to the females who walked through the doors into the servery. i ended up getting two (not my fault-- the second time i walked in there, i told him i already had one, but he gave it to me, anyway). they're so beautiful... one is yellow w/ maroon, and the other is white with maroon. i thought that to be a very respectful thing for them to do. i'm sure it makes all the gals happy who probably won't be receiving anything from anyone else on valentine's day. as for me, the carnations are all i want or need! :) them, and the super cute valentine's day card that grandma sent me in the mail this past week. :-D

i am addicted to europeanhostels.com and ricksteves.com. often i find that the only thing i can think about is traveling. when i should be doing my homework sometimes i am surfing these sites. is there such a part of me that just wants to get up and go-- and stay-- at least for a while? i think there is. i wouldn't mind a whole new world. a place to go and perhaps forget. yes, it sounds nice.

fire alarm tonight in swope. good times. i believe that's the first one i've been around for this year. impressive. last year, there must've been at least 5 or 6 in liberty, if not more. i grabbed my laptop, threw on some shoes and a hoodie, and headed over to grand until everything was clear.

suppose i should get on homework. my mind is very distracted right now, but... have to get on it eventually. oh well. at least i got two beautiful carnations this evening.

the only worthwhile valentine

"for God so loVed the world,

that He gAve

His onLy

begottEn

soN

That whosever

believeth In Him

should Not perish,

but have Everlasting life."

john 3:16

(note: imagine these are aligned, red letter under red letter and so on. apparently blogger didn't want that to happen, so yep-- we'll have to imagine!)

2:45 am

this has been an unusually quiet saturday night in swope hall. however, not so quiet over in pierce-white, i've heard (at least one ambulance has made its way over there-- sadly, an all too common thing on party nights). rounds went quickly and smoothly. i even got some homework done b/w the 12:30 and the 2:00 rounds!-- not bad, not bad.

a lot has happened today, yet not very much has happened. i can't decide which. but, for an overview:

1. woke up early. snoozed. snoozed some more. slept until 11:30 (how in the world!?...)
2. showered
3. ate lunch
4. hung out in the 3rd floor kitchen w/ international club folks, decorating my purple script for the monologues.
5. monologues--full dress-rehearsal. went well!... and the neatest discussions occured b/w us women (or would proper grammar be "we women?").
6. laundry. two and a half weeks' worth.
7. dinner. sat w/ naoko, tomomi, yumi. we talked about schools in japan, particularly colleges. basically, it's really hard to get into japanese colleges, but very, very easy to graduate from them. in america, it's sort of the opposite-- a little easier to get into colleges, and a lot harder to graduate (or at least a LOT more work required in order to graduate). interesting.
8. a 2-hour nap! b/c i was confined to swope for the night, anyway. i watched the newlyweds on mtv (against my better judgment-- could there be a bigger ditz than jessica simpson!?) .
9. rounds, cleaned my desk, rounds, homework, rounds.

that's it. exciting, i know. wish i had something deeper to say, but i'm really quite tired. maybe another time.

es viernes.

hoy es viernes, y por este razón estoy muy contenta. digo, la semana estaba bien para mí, pero... podemos usar un buen fin de semana. pero durante este fin de semana voy a estar muy ocupada. tengo práctica para ¨the vagina monologues¨esta noche, en sábado, y el producción en domingo a las cuatro y el lunes a las siete. de cualquier modo. pienso que hablando en español es muy divertido. sí. este... este... umm. sí. es todo... hablaré en íngles próximo, ese prometo.

season, time, and reason

lesson for the school year of 04/05: for everything there is a season, time, and reason. ecclesiastes 3, and my friend jody, both say so. and i believe it's true, more every day. it's a good feeling-- a peaceful one, if you will-- to be able to say and believe this. for everything there is a season, time, and reason. God never lets me go. what is happening, what has happened, and what will happen are all in His good timing. i couldn't ask for any more than what i have right now, what God has given to me and even what God has taken from me. i continue to believe in His seasons, times, and reasons.

morning snow

the view that i have from my window is absolutely beautiful. yesterday when i woke up, it was snowing-- and i really mean snowing. it lasted until nighttime. now, this morning, as i look out the window i see white all over the place-- one top of the suites, in the trees, on the ground... something about it makes me think of the beauty and perfection of God.

i had a good weekend. as i was on duty until 5 on saturday, i spent a good amount of time doing homework and working on things. that evening, fumika, yoko, ayako, and kyoko (and jody too-- sort of, *smiles*) all went to go see coach carter at the theatre in town. wow... it's the 2nd movie ever that i saw and then immediately went to go buy the soundtrack. (however, i'm a little disappointed b/c most of the songs that i was hoping to hear on the soundtrack aren't even on there.) right after the movie, fumika made mention that it was similar to "remember the titans"-- i thought that was a good way to think of it (only a different sport and obviously a different focus but still similar in a few ways).

i've made a new friend! tomomi. what a cool chick! sat. night she came over at midnight and we ended up putting in "save the last dance" and we showed each other pictures and talked... it was a lot of fun! the japanese culture fascinates me. i can't wait to visit japan someday. someday!

church was great on sunday. i love the methodist church... in some ways i feel more attached to there than to chapel hill-- for the first time, i thought how much i'll miss it next semester. jamie and bev are such wonderful pastors... and the whole congregation seems "just right" as far as being welcoming-- and all the children there-- and the fact that it's a contemporary service when i go and still there are diff. ages represented. God is definitely good.

i didnt get to sit and enjoy the superbowl like i thought i would. i honestly saw myself sitting down, having popcorn and/or pizza, chillin' and cheerin', but... nah. did some homework and ended up going to my first VM practice. wow... talk about... interesting! some of the stuff in the monologues are just plain hilarious and some are just plain raunchy. one must definitely have a sense of humor AND an even greater sense of maturity in order to survive through this......... at times i've thought, "maybe you shouldn't be doing this" but the wonderfully liberal-minded side of me says "and why not!?" so here i am. i only have to survive through the next week. and besides, it's something fun and different-- not something i'd get the opportunity to do just anywhere!

this morning i woke up at 7, had a bite to eat, snoozed a little, then got back up and went to work out w/ dawnielle at 8. had a good hour's worth of a workout-- it felt good! we hope to start doing this every mwf... we'll see though. :)

*sigh* i'm listening to black balloon by the goo goo dolls. good song. i talked to mom last night on the phone for quite some time... gave her a hard time about them only calling me once a week, usually on sunday nights, but i wonder if she really knows how serious i was, even though i sounded like i was joking. i get a big, fat one phone call per week. ONE! i mean-- sometimes more-- like, two on a good week (thanks, amanda!), but... for the most part my parents are the only people who call me. things get sort of lonely after a while but luckily i've been doing a good job of keeping busy and not isolating myself so much in my room, studying. that helps. but anyway... just a thought.

think i might jump in the shower and then get ready for the day. it looks like it'll be a good one... let's hope for as much.

que Dios les bendiga, amigos.

coach carter

is quite possibly the greatest movie ever created! :-D

never a dull moment

on a friday night in the dorms... especially when i'm on duty.

exciting events:
very intellectually stimulating convo w/ karissa- wow!
saw fumika and yoko and just about cried i was so happy to see them...
spent some time w/ them
...and w/ mike
snuck out into the suites w/ them all (i call it "sneaking out" b/c i had the phone and should have technically stayed in the building-- but hey-- how often do my japanese friends get to visit here?), to surprise a few people living there
confronted HOW MANY people about alcohol?-- and became suspicious of HOW MANY people (involving alcohol)?????
long talk w/ my friend (name withheld)... who was, unfortunately, a little tipsy at the moment. i offered her a cookie and milk. she said that, to save calories, she'd just take the cookie. (!??!) hello... you just drank at least 1,000 calories worth of beer............... and you're going to take the cookie but NOT the milk? geesh..........
long talk w/ erin. wow. God really works in awesome ways. i see Him doing a lot through her this semester. and perhaps through me. she and i are in exactly the same situations. i really appreciated our talk together.
the joys of listening to the people get off the drunk bus-- err, i mean the "rides" bus-- well, drunk... right outside my window.
ate about a million cookies. delicious ones, at that. mmm mmmm goooooooood.

favorite thing tonight: we were all walking through 2nd floor swope tonight when we walked by dawnielle's new room. two other gals were in there. as we went by, i stopped in my tracks and said "meet yoko and fumika!!!" and the response by yoko (which didnt surprise me a bit) was this: "hi. we... are from... japan." i looked at her w/ the greatest look of shock. really? from japan? who'da thought? it was tooooooooo funny. ahhhhhhh... i am sooooooo glad they are here! i talked w/ nori online, too... gosh, i miss her... wow, how i've been blessed w/ friends from across the world. amazing. i've even been thinking about the jet program after college.... ? it seems that every other bv spanish major ends up teaching english in japan through the program... what's one more???

just finished last rounds for the night. time for beddy-bye..................

v-day

so guess who got talked into having a part in bv's annual "vagina monologues" production? yes. moi. this should be very, very interesting... i hope people don't walk out at the sight of what a horribly pathetic actress i will be. but... it's the overall message that counts. (don't know much about v-day? check it out online.)

bothered

it's been a wonderful day... really, it has. amazing weather (went for a walk around town in the evening-- wondered if this is really february!?), sun shining, got the official "go ahead" w/ study abroad, drove to alta to eat w/ desi's kindergarten class, spent time in the cent room chattin' it up w/ dawnielle and watching ciara and kanye music videos (andy-- i see why you like kanye now!!!) and chatted w/ scott richey a little. all was well.

but... i've been a bit bothered this evening. first, i have a couple of residents who i'd like to gently shove off a mountain. or something to the extent. freshman girls full of attitude-- living in a completely substance-free hall but ruining the atmosphere by being loud, drinking alcohol (and attracting friends who do, as well-- particularly large males), and disrespecting me like i've never really been disrespected before. what purpose does that serve, for them? do they find me stupid? i want to pull my hair out b/c of a few certain situations recently. ugh. how i wish they'd make things easier on everyone and just move to different places... out of this hall, b/c they're obviously not abiding by the substance-free policy.

second, i had a quick convo w/ kiel tonight; one i was sort of dreading. i didnt get ahold of him over january like i said i would-- we were planning on spending some good time together-- but we never really got to it. the funny thing is, he called me-- left messages twice-- and i never officially got back to him. so basically i came back to bv w/o ever seeing him and felt bad that i'd avoided talking to him (though it wasnt avoidance-- i'm just not sure what it was; laziness? busy days?). so... he came online and asked what'd happened to me, and i felt pathetic (i did anyway). i had no good excuse and told him so. i truly did want to see him. i miss the guy like crazy-- we used to have SUCH an awesome friendship but he went his way a little and i went to college and, from there, things sort of happen (distance, his insanely busy work life and such, him changing in general). basically i want that same friendship back. not necessarily the same friendship, but a good friendship (b/c i realize not all things are the same for him or for me). *sigh* i really wish i could've seen him before i came back up here. *kicking myself in the butt.*

so those are the main things that i'm bothered by. maybe another thing is that the weight that i lost last semester has found its way back to me, maybe w/ a little extra. i dont think i like that too much. and i've got a pretty insane amount of reading to do tonight. but... worse things could happen.

but i'm going to end this on a positive note. fumika and yoko will be arriving here at bv tomorrow-- i've not seen them since the end of last school year. they'll be staying 10-11 days, which i am thrilled about. i've missed them so much. i REALLY wish noriko were visiting, as well, but perhaps another time. i look forward to tomorrow being friday, taking a breather, spending time w/ friends some more (attacking fumichan and yokochan w/ gargantuous hugs!!!), and setting aside the homework for just a few mins (which probably won't happen-- i tend to do plenty of studying on friday nights-- and since i'll be on duty-- may as well!). happy night...

diversity day

was today at storm lake high school! the best foods were there from many different cultures (mexican, czech, russian, chinese, danish), and there was an amazing ceremony complete w/ many individuals from all over-- but mostly the mexico city/leon area... tribal native american dances, the mexican hat dance, traditional and not-so-traditional music... wow! then some 1st graders sang "it's a small world"-- in english AND spanish-- it was WONDERFUL! it felt so wonderful to be in a place so very full of a little of EVERYthing-- people unlike myself... people who truly bring so much to the beauty of this world and bring truth in the fact that God creates everyone differently. that deserves a definite celebration! hoorah for diversity day at storm lake high school. :)

mirror-- by barlowgirl

mirror, mirror on the wall; have i got it?
cause mirror you've always told me who i am
i’m finding it’s not easy to be perfect
so, sorry, you won’t define me
sorry, you don’t own me

who are you to tell me that i'm less than what i should be?
who are you? who are you?
i don’t need to listen to the list of things i should do
i won’t try; i won’t try
you don’t define me; you don’t define me

mirror i am seeing a new reflection
i’m looking into the eyes of He who made me
to Him i have beauty beyond compare
i know He defines me