rest in peace, tony bossi

so my friend committed suicide. i'll say it point-blank. in his room, here on campus, over the weekend. i won't even go into how he did it, but his roommate found him, and immediately all of the other suitemates saw him. i suppose i don't know what to think and don't know what to say, just like the majority of the people on campus who knew him-- we are all in shock about it. sure, it didn't surprise me 100%, but to think about all that he had going for him... and just what an incredible guy he was... that's where the shock comes in, at least for me.

tonight in the cent room we had a two-hour celebration of his life. we watched "godzilla eats las vegas," the music video he'd made through flash on his computer last semester-- he spent over 100 hours working on it and once stayed awake 3 days in a row just to get further on it. he begged and begged the band director to let the band play the piece on last semester's concert so he could display his work... he was soooo excited about this work. wow... and it truly was a masterpiece, considering he sat and taught himself how to do all of it in that time. we also watched a music video that he was in his freshman year for a class-- he and a few other guys had gotten an assignment where they had to take the alma mater and create something new w/ it, so they did a punk music video to it. he played bass guitar. it was so awesome... it truly showed who he was. fun. out there. just didn't care what others thought of him. he was... himself.

it was an open mic night. i got up and shared about a conversation he and i shared at the end of last semester. i was having a horrible semester. i sat down to dinner at the same table as him, b/c he was sitting there alone, and we hadn't talked in quite a while (not living on the same floor anymore can do that to you). i don't remember how the conversation even got started, but we ended up talking about relationships. here, i hadn't shared anything w/ any of my friends (except for, say, one) on campus about what i was going through, but for some reason, i was able to tell him. the funny thing was that he actually asked me. so we talked about it-- and he really listened, and really talked, and i was truly thankful for that. he said that i was a very patient person. i said that it was hard... but i knew i had to be. he said that he wasn't a patient person at all. later, we got into school-type conversation and he said something along the lines of me making a great teacher... before he knew i was an ed major. this really caught me. tony bossi had said this about me-- wow. we talked about my hope to work in the inner city or somewhere close, and he mentioned charter schools to me. the subject went to his experience growing up in a catholic school and then going to a public high school. that got us onto the subject of faith... religion. tony was a guy who "got it." now i hate to say that b/c he wasn't a true believer in God and His awesomeness-- he questioned-- and he argued-- over and over again (not w/ me, necessarily, but just in his life). i would like to say that i am a person who "has it," but it's nothing like him. his ideas-- so thought out, so backed up, so definite. maybe i never agreed w/ his view on religion, but i sure did respect the heck out of him for sharing what he believed in the ways that he did. i think everyone listened to tony when he talked. if they didn't... well... they sure missed out. tony was a bundle of pure genius. that could sum him up in a few words. i don't know... there's just not enough i can say about this guy.

last week, tony was walking out of the cent room as i was walking in. we exchanged hellos, as i was surprised to see him (it had been a while, and i was glad to see him). i remember saying to no one in particular-- man, tony bossi rocks my world. and it was true. he rocked my world from the moment i met him. which reminds me...

it was freshman year, in liberty, 3rd floor. while doing homework, brooke and i heard this guy running through the halls asking who the f--- had eaten his pop tart. i think i heard just about all of the obscenities in the book as he was trying to find out who took his pop tart. finally, we opened the door, and were like, what pop tart? basically, we gave him some crap back for fun and eventually he wanted to know what our names were. "guess," we said. he pointed to brooke and said leisha, and then pointed to me and said brooke. we let him believe that for quite some time... that was a good time. eventually he realized that he was a tad bit wrong on that one. after that, we started sharing common ground. he was from st. louis, mo, and used to work at an amc theatre. he loved jazz and computers. he loved ska and emo and all of that jazz (literally and figuratively). he felt like bv was a high school and he couldn't wait to finish his third year here and then go on to washington university for the 3-2 engineering program. i felt far from challenged, too, and so we shared the common ground of wanting to get back in mo. i soon gained a respect for tony in how he was his own person. never, ever could anybody define him but himself. he never let anybody tell him what to think or feel. he thought for himself, and shared those thoughts. even when i didn't completely agree with some of his views, i didn't care. he was a bold man for sharing them with such heart. and he did share. and he did have heart... he put his heart into everything...

there are a million stories i could tell about tony, which is funny, b/c i probably wouldn't be going on about him if he were still alive. that's sad. i wonder if he would have expected the cent room to be full of people tonight, sharing stories, laughs, tears, and his musical works? what if he knew that? would he have ended his life so quickly? 21 years old. so much life ahead of him. did he have any idea what he was doing? was he in such deep despair in his heart and mind that that was the only answer? it looks like that is the case. tony bossi, wherever you are, i hope you are free from your pain now. you didn't deserve whatever was hurting you. we miss you now, buddy. we're laughing and we're crying over you. we're re-evaluating our lives and even the meaning of life. you made a huge difference while you were living, so it comes as no surprise that you're making a difference even in your death (though if we could have a choice, we'd pick the differences that you made while you were living, man).

i can't get your smile out of my head. your eyes and how many words they spoke even w/o you opening your mouth. your camo jacket. your hands in your pockets, backpack on your back, walking down the sidewalk by yourself. what were you thinking during those times when you were walking by yourself? you intrigued me, tony bossi.

i could go on and on... but i won't on this blog. in my mind, though, you can bet that i can, and will. tony will never, ever be forgotten.

oh, and... remember that pop tart? yep... i ate it. and it tasted darn good. sorry, tony. but i was hungry. rest in peace, man. wherever you may be now.