pinky, are you pondering what i'm pondering?

if i were to take over the world,








i haven't fully thought of the rest yet.

option, guatemala

"A Good Samaritan might stop to help rescue people everyday that he sees drowning in a river. But at what point, does the Good Samaritan walk upstream to find out why these people keep getting pushed in the river in the first place?

I have never claimed to have a definite opinion on the effectiveness (or ineffectiveness) of a work project mission trip - when a North American church group comes to Guatemala to fund and aid in the construction of a house, latrine, or water filter for an impoverished Guatemalan community. Indeed many Guatemalans do need houses, latrines, and water filters and therefore it is good to do what one can to help them. But the greater issue is WHY, in a world where there are sufficient houses and resources for everyone to have his / her fair share, do some people have while others have not? The problem is that this world is controlled by the haves leaving the have nots floating down the river waiting to be rescued by the Good Samaritans of this world. Part of me feels extremely hopeless during these work project weeks as we seem to be merely putting a band-aid on an open wound. However, an increasingly larger side of me values the role that work, sweat, and dirt play in the breaking down of cultural barriers and opening of people's minds. The truth of the matter is that (given the resources) Guatemalans can build a house, latrine, and water filter much faster than a group of 15 white-collar gringos with delicate hands (I too am a gringo with delicate hands). However, when a North American is working alongside a Guatemalan, and pushing his / her physical limits carrying rocks or mixing cement, space is created for true human bonding - person to person, worker to worker, rather than North American to Guatemalan, rich to poor, giver to receiver. It is when one experiences this type of bonding with somebody whose life is so different that one's worldview begins to change."

and,

"I had a very special and memorable Christmas here with the Cotí family. It all began as a seemingly insignificant conversation a couple of weeks before Christmas as we were all gathered to peel the husks off of this year's corn crop. Davíd, an 18-year old cousin of my immediate host family, said, "Let's do something different, something special this Christmas. Let's go to Monterrico (a beautiful beach on the southern Pacific coast of Guatemala)." Nobody responded but everybody's facial expression communicated the same thought, "Davíd, you know we can't afford to take a trip." After the initial hesitation, Mario, my host father, jumped from his stool and raced to the kitchen with all of us closely at his heels. He sat down at the kitchen table with a pencil and paper and began asking questions . . . "How much would bus fare be from Xela to Monterrico? How much would gas cost if we used the pickup truck? How much would it cost to eat lunch while we are there? Are we going to want a snack on the way?" An hour and a half later, we had a carefully constructed budget in front of us. For all 13 of us, the entire trip would cost 1,000 Quetzales ($125). Everybody frowned knowing the number was too high. Disappointed, we adjourned for the night agreeing to meet the following Sunday after thinking about possible ways we could save up the money. As I sat there listening to this conversation, every bone in my body wanted to offer to pay for the trip - after all, what is $125 to me? As we were walking home, I could not restrain myself any longer and I pulled Mario to the side and said, "Please let me pay for some of this trip. It can be my Christmas present for everyone." He stopped walking, turned toward me, and responded, "Jamie, you are a part of this family. We will find a way together to save this money and all participate in this Christmas gift." Full of gratitude, anxiety, and frustration, I did not sleep much that night knowing that my extended family of 13 was about to begin making significant sacrifices over the next two weeks to raise a seemingly insignificant $125. We sold half of our chickens, some 100-pound bags of our precious corn, and we ate less meat over the following weeks. As a family, not as individuals, we saved up the 1,000 Quetzales and began to get really REALLY excited about going to the beach."

--jamie beasley, 2002/2003 YAV to guatemala

one down, two to go

one test down, two more to go,

and i'm still breathing.

good sign.

thanks for the prayers!

aquire the fire

on the other hand,

i got to be an adult chaperone/spiritual mentor over the weekend for the youth group of the church i attend here in storm lake, at aquire the fire, in the minnie apple (minneapolis), minnesota. was an awesome time, and although i really didn't get the opp (or take the opp, probably more precise) to grow close to many (or any) of the youth, i developed a pretty cool relationship with one of the moms on the trip, and the time spent talking w/ her was really encouraging to me. finally had the opp to let go and just worship, and heaven knows i needed that. also, being an adult and not a youth for the first time at such a big event as this one, it was amazing to just observe the youth.........

and,
i have a few pairs of awesome gaucho-type comfy pants/capris now, and i (heart) them mucho.

yeah, how's that for positivity? i'm beaming, i know.

drowning

i feel like i'm drowning.

i'm still unsure as to what the heck my body is doing, always begging for more sleep and never allowing me to feel like i have any energy at any point throughout the day or night. i realize i should be sleeping at night, but schoolwork unfortunately comes first and i find myself longing for-- truly, desperately yearning for-- the moment when i can turn out the light and throw myself down on the bed for at least a few hours before the new day begins. then of course i wake up later than i want to, day after day, and try to play catch up with classes when i feel like i'm a little behind but the schoolwork always piles up and i feel like it's impossible. i've gotten one full night of sleep in the past month, only one. the rest-- well, i'd be willing to settle with 7, or 6, or 5 and a half even, but it just doesn't happen. and my naps-- yes, i take naps, and lots of them, but i'm not sure they help me any. i try to take short ones but inevitably they become long (we're talking 2 to 3 hours long, and for anyone who knows how much time is worth during a given college school week, it's clear that these sort of naps can really mess a person up). it's like my body cannot physically (and mentally i can't bring myself to, either) get out of bed. normally somebody knocks on my door or something before i finally end up getting up, going to get dinner, and then starting on what needs to get done (and inevitably not finishing much of it, leaving it for the next day, and letting things pile up until i'm forced to write a meaningless blog like this).

i have three tests in the next two days, all worth a crap load. two of them are in my worst subject: science. the other, american government, and if i get any time to study at all for that, i won't be worried about it. but the other two...

some people have talked to me about their struggle to raise their gpa before they graduate, and how stressful it can be. i just want to tell them to try being a 4.0 and maintaining it every semester. which sucks more? it's not even that i think about my grades on a daily basis. it's the effort though that i tell myself i need to do my papers/reading/tests etc with, not settling for just any certain level but then again whatever level i am on, i tell myself it's just not where i want it to be. (i realize this is making no sense. maybe b/c i'm tired, who knows. but i'll continue on.) life wouldn't end if a B showed up on my transcript at the end of my 4 years here, or so i try to trick myself into thinking. mr. shields always said-- "don't be married to your grades." it's true, i always tell people that it's the effort you put into it-- you do what you can do, try your best, simple as that-- and my parents tell me the same-- but when it comes to myself... what the heck. and so this has made the beginning of this semester so much more stressful for me. i'm up for the student marshal position (note to non-bv folk: top of the class for next year's graduating class) for this year, and that doesn't help anything else. i don't want to possibly be named student marshal by having a 4.0 before-hand and then suddenly slacking. i do know this is killing me, though. i think it's more the being tired thing than the grades thing, as the being tired thing means i can't put near as much effort into my school work and it just consumes me............

i feel like i'm drowning.

i called home to say happy birthday to mom and ended up going on and on about this. about how i've lost my agenda book which has all of my daily experiences from my semester abroad on there, as well as my life written out on paper (at least for this semester), like schedule, meetings, etc... and it's currently not in my position and i'm doubting as to whether or not it will be anytime soon (or at all). i'm sick about this. so there i am, wanting to say something positive to mom on the phone b/c, i mean, it's her birthday after all, and i'd really like to be there to give her a really big hug like last year, but i just couldn't. instead i just wanted to say mom, i can't do this, let me come home please. just not this semester, i can't do this.

i mean my days have seriously been GREAT besides this. am surrounded by awesome friends, amazing profs again, meetings and ra stuff and all that good jazz, am really more and more comfy up here and sad to think i only have a year left of being a bv student. i love it here. there's no way i'd want to be anywhere else (college-wise, i mean-- if we're talking abroad-wise, that's another story). would i want to not be a college student right now? no way! but for the first time ever i've been getting this little terrible feeling every day that bugs me by making me think that maybe i really can't do this right now. maybe i'm ridiculous for having studied abroad first semester and returning to everything that i have on my plate now (6 classes, ra position, more involvement with some clubs, prep for this summer, do i need to continue?). my body says stop and my mind says no way, and it's like they just continue to fight with each other. stop it, darnit, stop it!

on another just-as-not-so-great note, today/tomorrow is the one-year reminder of the suicide of my once-good-friend, tony bossi. i'd be happy if i never again had to think about the sunday night i drove back to bv after visiting home for mom's bday, arriving at 7pm only to find out that a student on campus had died, and more than that, it was my friend, and more than that, yet, it was because he'd hung himself in his own suite, and his roommate (also a friend of mine) had to walk in and find him. (sorry for the visual... it's not any easier for me to handle, either.) then the weeks to follow, and all the emotions that came with everything, for everyone on campus who really knew who he was, or cared. it was a terrible time. and so a reminder of that, looking at the date-- feb 20, feb 21... then the next weekend, a 24-hr trip to his funeral in st. louis and back, having his casket rolled up the aisle to the front of the church and knowing that that was the body of a friend in there, a 21-yr old friend, somebody way too young with way too much potential to no longer have life. god, why? ugh. some things i'd like to never relive but it just won't happen that way. and to imagine how his roommates have to feel, how his best friends from home have to feel, how his family has to feel...........

exercise hasn't been on the agenda in a long time and my body is telling me so, quite loudly. another thing i could go on and on about but i won't. just another reason to possibly get depressed.

i don't want or need anyone to comment and say "aww leisha" blah blah blah... i am not looking for a pity party... i just needed to get this out there, out of my mind for the time being at least, and request prayer, that's about it. like i said, things have been great besides, but the whole body feeling dead daily thing... sort of wearing on me. yeah.

no more drowning, please.......?

long road

i understand it's a long road to peace, he said, but i'm still hoping to get a ride part way because i'm so out of shape from the 90's.

--storypeople.com

bright enough

they are obviously bright enough to operate heavy machinery, he said, so i think it is just willfulness that keeps them from speaking english

--storypeople.com

nos vemos, naokochan

on another note, tonight was the night to say goodbye to naoko, my great tomodachi from japan.

goodbyes are never easy. if they were, they probably wouldn't mean so much.

naoko, if you ever end up reading this, know that i love you and that i can't wait to see you again someday, whether it be here, or there in japan. we'll be together soon, i promise.

and so life goes on......

once upon a time, an engaging story

once upon a time there were two friends.
one gets a boyfriend.
the other goes off to see the world.
one goes off to see her boyfriend.
the other comes back from seeing the world.
one comes back from seeing her boyfriend.
one asks the other if she can send her a pic through msn.
the other says yes and already has a good idea as to what this pic will entail.
the other receives pic.
in the pic, one is with boyfriend, with ring on a special finger.
the other was right. except...
one doesn't say much of anything, just "i was so shocked"
and then says goodnight, she's going to bed.
the other then thinks to herself that that was seriously the crappiest way to let a friend know she's engaged now, the crappiest way in the world.

end of the story.

grrr

the united states government really pisses me off sometimes.

today's one of those i'm-pissed-at-you,-bush-and-friends days.

jean

today in the servery i ended up talking with the lady who was serving some special soup; her name was jean. she commented on my cancer awareness bracelets, and how she liked them. i said they were for breast cancer. she proceeded to tell me about her 12-year-old granddaughter, alex, from storm lake, who has been sick for so long and is completely paralyzed right now; the doctors think it's lyme disease but they're not sure. she said she could barely talk about it, with tears in her eyes, but she tried as much as she could. i said i'd keep her granddaughter in my prayers, and i'd like to ask the same for those out there reading this who are the praying sort, as well. please pray for alex, and for her grandmother who loves her so much (you could see it so strongly!).

what a beautiful day it is........