drowning

i feel like i'm drowning.

i'm still unsure as to what the heck my body is doing, always begging for more sleep and never allowing me to feel like i have any energy at any point throughout the day or night. i realize i should be sleeping at night, but schoolwork unfortunately comes first and i find myself longing for-- truly, desperately yearning for-- the moment when i can turn out the light and throw myself down on the bed for at least a few hours before the new day begins. then of course i wake up later than i want to, day after day, and try to play catch up with classes when i feel like i'm a little behind but the schoolwork always piles up and i feel like it's impossible. i've gotten one full night of sleep in the past month, only one. the rest-- well, i'd be willing to settle with 7, or 6, or 5 and a half even, but it just doesn't happen. and my naps-- yes, i take naps, and lots of them, but i'm not sure they help me any. i try to take short ones but inevitably they become long (we're talking 2 to 3 hours long, and for anyone who knows how much time is worth during a given college school week, it's clear that these sort of naps can really mess a person up). it's like my body cannot physically (and mentally i can't bring myself to, either) get out of bed. normally somebody knocks on my door or something before i finally end up getting up, going to get dinner, and then starting on what needs to get done (and inevitably not finishing much of it, leaving it for the next day, and letting things pile up until i'm forced to write a meaningless blog like this).

i have three tests in the next two days, all worth a crap load. two of them are in my worst subject: science. the other, american government, and if i get any time to study at all for that, i won't be worried about it. but the other two...

some people have talked to me about their struggle to raise their gpa before they graduate, and how stressful it can be. i just want to tell them to try being a 4.0 and maintaining it every semester. which sucks more? it's not even that i think about my grades on a daily basis. it's the effort though that i tell myself i need to do my papers/reading/tests etc with, not settling for just any certain level but then again whatever level i am on, i tell myself it's just not where i want it to be. (i realize this is making no sense. maybe b/c i'm tired, who knows. but i'll continue on.) life wouldn't end if a B showed up on my transcript at the end of my 4 years here, or so i try to trick myself into thinking. mr. shields always said-- "don't be married to your grades." it's true, i always tell people that it's the effort you put into it-- you do what you can do, try your best, simple as that-- and my parents tell me the same-- but when it comes to myself... what the heck. and so this has made the beginning of this semester so much more stressful for me. i'm up for the student marshal position (note to non-bv folk: top of the class for next year's graduating class) for this year, and that doesn't help anything else. i don't want to possibly be named student marshal by having a 4.0 before-hand and then suddenly slacking. i do know this is killing me, though. i think it's more the being tired thing than the grades thing, as the being tired thing means i can't put near as much effort into my school work and it just consumes me............

i feel like i'm drowning.

i called home to say happy birthday to mom and ended up going on and on about this. about how i've lost my agenda book which has all of my daily experiences from my semester abroad on there, as well as my life written out on paper (at least for this semester), like schedule, meetings, etc... and it's currently not in my position and i'm doubting as to whether or not it will be anytime soon (or at all). i'm sick about this. so there i am, wanting to say something positive to mom on the phone b/c, i mean, it's her birthday after all, and i'd really like to be there to give her a really big hug like last year, but i just couldn't. instead i just wanted to say mom, i can't do this, let me come home please. just not this semester, i can't do this.

i mean my days have seriously been GREAT besides this. am surrounded by awesome friends, amazing profs again, meetings and ra stuff and all that good jazz, am really more and more comfy up here and sad to think i only have a year left of being a bv student. i love it here. there's no way i'd want to be anywhere else (college-wise, i mean-- if we're talking abroad-wise, that's another story). would i want to not be a college student right now? no way! but for the first time ever i've been getting this little terrible feeling every day that bugs me by making me think that maybe i really can't do this right now. maybe i'm ridiculous for having studied abroad first semester and returning to everything that i have on my plate now (6 classes, ra position, more involvement with some clubs, prep for this summer, do i need to continue?). my body says stop and my mind says no way, and it's like they just continue to fight with each other. stop it, darnit, stop it!

on another just-as-not-so-great note, today/tomorrow is the one-year reminder of the suicide of my once-good-friend, tony bossi. i'd be happy if i never again had to think about the sunday night i drove back to bv after visiting home for mom's bday, arriving at 7pm only to find out that a student on campus had died, and more than that, it was my friend, and more than that, yet, it was because he'd hung himself in his own suite, and his roommate (also a friend of mine) had to walk in and find him. (sorry for the visual... it's not any easier for me to handle, either.) then the weeks to follow, and all the emotions that came with everything, for everyone on campus who really knew who he was, or cared. it was a terrible time. and so a reminder of that, looking at the date-- feb 20, feb 21... then the next weekend, a 24-hr trip to his funeral in st. louis and back, having his casket rolled up the aisle to the front of the church and knowing that that was the body of a friend in there, a 21-yr old friend, somebody way too young with way too much potential to no longer have life. god, why? ugh. some things i'd like to never relive but it just won't happen that way. and to imagine how his roommates have to feel, how his best friends from home have to feel, how his family has to feel...........

exercise hasn't been on the agenda in a long time and my body is telling me so, quite loudly. another thing i could go on and on about but i won't. just another reason to possibly get depressed.

i don't want or need anyone to comment and say "aww leisha" blah blah blah... i am not looking for a pity party... i just needed to get this out there, out of my mind for the time being at least, and request prayer, that's about it. like i said, things have been great besides, but the whole body feeling dead daily thing... sort of wearing on me. yeah.

no more drowning, please.......?