a few random thoughts before i head to bed

the ex-boyfriend of mine from the good ole' high school days initiated a conversation w/ me over msn tonight. it was definitely interesting and definitely unexpected. i don't think we'd talked over msn since last year sometime. well apparently he's suffered a bit of a head injury (fractured skull) and is at home right now awaiting possible surgery on thursday. it was surprising that he told me this. he also was curious to know if ethan and i were still together. and eventually he told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up (and then he was shocked to know that i knew he was even w/ this girl-- umm, hello, very small campus, friend-- very small campus!). just a very random conversation but i am glad it happened... i always hate seeing him around campus (infrequently) and having there be complete avoidance... usually on his part, i think, which makes perfect sense considering, but still... never has it been my intention to be an evil ex-girlfriend. and i haven't been. so basically... this was probably just a one-time thing but it surprised me so darn much that i just thought i would babble about it a little bit. yeah. so moving right along! :)

usage of the phrase "that's retarded" seriously ticks me off. i can't even count how many times i heard it this past weekend on the dean's fellows trip. and how many times i confronted it, and the reaction i got from one gal-- wow. if i didn't know all the words in the book before then, i did after i confronted her. it's too bad bv doesn't offer a special 100-level class on respect. i think it would come in handy for... say... life, and we mind find that some people would have a difficult time passing the class. yes. believe it.

it feels way too fabulous to have my proposal finished and turned in. i have a really good feeling about it, like maybe i *might* be the recipient, but i also have a good feeling about the others who turned in proposals (karissa and darren, in particular, and there was one other person but i'm not quite sure who it was...). like, they would have totally deserved it, which is a much better feeling than jealousy or anything of the sort. so i feel good overall, i guess you could say.

i did some paper grading tonight. definitely made me feel like a teacher. *smiles*

i had a strange but oh-so true to life dream last night. carla (ethan's sis-in-law) and i were sitting on a couch talking, catching up, talking about life and such. funny timing considering just last month i got out the letter she'd sent me in january, in which she'd sent some pics and also told me to keep in touch w/ her and let her know how things are going for me. i'd intended to write her back but i just haven't yet, 3 months later. call it lack of willpower. not knowing what to say, or perhaps even the opposite-- having so much to say that i wouldn't know where to begin. it's been so very long since i have seen mike, carla, or darien that it just feels... different. do i miss them? most definitely. do i miss everyone else-- dottie-- most definitely, and seth?-- yeah... and i must admit that w/ springtime's arrival i've thought much more frequently of ethan. not for long periods of time, but he does enter and leave my mind at sporadic moments during a given week (oh how i wish it wouldn't have been such a wonderful, happy relationship-- but then again i might not mean that). i could keep in touch w/ them as i think carla and dottie have tried a little bit but something tells me i just shouldn't. same w/ ethan... he wrote me an email a little over a month ago and even suggested i write back. i thought i would after a while but never got to it, and to be honest, i don't think i will... at all. the way that i feel now is so different compared to the way i felt up until the end of january or a little into feb, even. i wish i could accurately describe it. but basically, not talking to them, i feel, has made me and is making me so much stronger. i feel... powerful... in a way. i have no idea what it will be like when ethan and i cross paths again (who knows when that will be?-- i don't even bother thinking about it much anymore) but i do know that i will have absolutely no expectations of-- well, basically, anything or anyone. there is a reason for everything that has happened and i may not know what it is, exactly, but eventually it will be made clear to me. right now i'd say that God is using this as such a learning time for me... learning and growing. oh and it feels so good. even the few moments when i still find myself wanting to reach for the bottle of wellbutrin that sits on my vanity (which i've not touched for months)-- like today-- when i laid down to take a nap and somehow ended up w/ a few tears running down my face (just a few, which was odd-- last semester there were so, so, so many of them)... a part of me felt awful for a few moments but another part of me felt even stronger b/c of it. i didn't have to take the medicine. the tears felt ok. peace was somewhere within, even amidst confusion (and trust me, somewhere there really is a lot of confusion). but... as i said... learning and growing has definitely been a product of this year. every day it seems like. even taking into consideration the tears, the heartbreak, the weight loss and weight gain, the loneliness, the struggles, the questions, the desperate pleas for extended deadlines, the waiting, the longing, etc etc etc... i wouldn't trade anything for this school year. i thank God for the strength to say this and mean this.

my "few" random thoughts have turned into more than a few.
time for some shut-eye and then waking up to a brand new day.