last night @ home

it has been quite the month and a half. funny to think of it, but i've spent more nights here in the past month and a half than i have in the past few summers-- so, in effect, this has been like a summer break for me. the internship went very smoothly. time w/ family was forever valuable (only wish i could've had more of it). time w/ amanda was wonderful. seeing kc was great. shopping-- well, let's just say i did waaaay too much of it, but i must admit, it was always a blast. fell in love w/ chai lattes. and the bloomsday bookstore. slept comfy in my bed each night. was very welcomed into second pres and even changed my mind a bit on my attitude toward the rich sort of folk. yes... a very positive month and a half, indeed.

i packed up my car, and everything fit perfectly. mom and dad had no idea how i'd get it all in there, but i kept telling them it'd be just fine. whew! glad i was right. just have to throw a few more things in there in the morning (like bob the bonsai, my teddy bear and some food-type stuff, and... well... myself). not quite ready to return. i sort of am and sort of am not. tonight at grandma's is when i started feeling crummy. i didnt want to say goodbye to her, and same w/ mom tonight. but... that'll always happen, i am sure. this semester will be an entirely new semester-- nothing like the last, i am sure-- and that's a positive thought in itself. i have to look at things like that-- that all will be well-- and it's a funny feeling (a good funny) b/c God truly is control of me. i'm not sure what i'm doing or where i'm going but He does. thank goodness He watches out for me!

last thought before i head back to bv: didn't hear from ethan even once while i was home. got emails from his mom and a nice card from his sis-in-law, but no word from him. not sure how he is doing or where in the world he even is (phoenix, i'd suspect?, kc? i'm not sure), but i continue to pray for him, his safety, his heart. the whole shebang. would have been thrilled to get a hello but i know that that may not happen for a very long time. as much as that thought saddens me-- it reminds me of last week when amanda and i were listening to jars of clay's "river constantine" on the nicaragua video. that song carried me through a LOT of the semester, since fall break when she and i stayed up until 3am talking. same thing this time-- it was about midnight or a little later-- i was sitting, listening, watching, and as much as my heart hurt (for a # of reasons) at the moment, there was a peace over me that could only come from God. i turned to amanda and said "you know, as horrible as this past semester was, and as confused or as sad as i have tended to be (etc), i still don't think i'd want anything to happen any differently than the way it has." and i meant it. i am learning... each and every day, i am learning. learning how to trust God and the plan that He has for me. learning how to just wait on Him and His timing instead of my own. i don't think i'd be learning these lessons as well if things would have happened differently this past semester. amanda understood what i meant, even w/o my saying much more than that. i probably had this awful look of pain on my face as though i were about to cry, but i think they would have been tears of inner peace (somehow-- it was there, thank God). it felt horrible and wonderful at the same time. i am really thankful for that evening/night spent w/ her. thank God for a true friend.

all for now. i head back tomorrow. thanks to all those who helped make my month and a half at home great (family, friends, subway, and church). and to those whom i haven't talked to, or seen... know you're in my thoughts and prayers, anyway. through Christ who strengthens me... good night!