nicaragua 2005

i figured the only way i'd be able to even brush the surface on describing the trip to nicaragua would be to post my journal... or at least parts of it... it's pretty personal this way, but nothing i don't mind sharing... this trip took me, all of me, and showed me that the least i can do in my everyday life is share what i have -- smiles, gifts, talents, joys, worries, sorrows-- all that jazz-- with those around me. be 100% real. welcome to my first attempt... here goes... the majority of my little nicaragua journal.
p.s. thank you, watt family... thank you so much.

7/19
Finally in Nicaragua, and it’s unbelievable. I instantly got that “wow, I’m here… and it feels like home” feeling. I’m here, really here!
The whole group is great—people young and old, alike.
We walked over to the Best Western, across from the airport. Had a group prayer for Chester, then swam. We got virgin piña coladas and sat poolside. I’ve made a friend named Brandon, who’s 19… I think we’re going to get along well!
The pastor of Crossroads said, “You’re going to be a very important person tomorrow!”… because of my Spanish! Oh, I hope I do OK with that!

7/20
I wish I could describe just how amazing today was, but no words are good enough… none come even close. Talking with Eddie en español on the bus, smiles exchanged with Brandon, the fun bus ride, having people request me as their translator, instantly making Nica friends… and I mean LOTS of them. Then, the ocean view from the hotel… the huge tidal waves, rocks, silky sand beaches for miles… talking forever with and playing with the Nica kids… I can’t believe this is it. I’m here. And I know this is something I want to do.
...
God, gracias.

7/21
I think I’m annoyed by this EE (“evangelism explosion”) stuff… or at least, annoyed by returning to the hotel to see Mark hold up 4 fingers saying there were just 4 salvations that morning, as though they were sort of his own doing… or I might just be an awful Christian. I just want to love on these beautiful people… not force something onto them. ... I’ve been asked to help go into the houses to translate for Mark but I am reluctant. I think, I could do a job like this, but I’d be awful at “the most important part.”
(Later today)
An amazing day, yet still I find no words to describe it the way I feel it to be. I wish I could photograph every moment and use the pictures as a sort of guideline for my life.
Today I did more talking in Spanish than ever before. “Leisha, we need your help!” was a very common phrase and each time I thought, “oh my—I don’t think I can do/say that,” I was wrong. Marvin even had me translate from Spanish to English for him, which blew me away that 1) I asked (told, actually!) to translate, and 2) I did it—almost perfectly. Amazing. Is this God working through me? B/c I’ve understood many conversations today… how thankful I am.
Oh… I am awful at soccer (futbol). Ha!
The tide came all the way up to the restaurant today. Astounding. I feel like I’m on a vacation.
Painted this morning, had lunch, then did VBS/played with, talked with, and held many beautiful little Nicas. Maryuri absolutely clung to me—I held her so close and sang, “Maryuri es la mas bonita del mundo” over and over. What an absolute beauty. Talked more with Dalila—wrote her name in the sand—was amazed at her beauty, also. Wow.
Again, today, Brandon and I spent more time together. He is so into the people here, with his camera, fine eyes and smile. Dalila adores him, and he, her. Tonight, we (he, Darleen, and I) took her down the beach and gave her “un regalo”—a gift—of chicken, steak, and rice. I’ve never seen a smile so big in my whole life.
We went for our second nightly walk on the beach tonight for an hour. I could’ve lasted many more hours. He’s honest. Genuine. Already he’s asked me about a walk tomorrow. “Of course.”
Also, I’ve talked with Francisco today more… he’s really grown on me. I am so happy for Amanda… so happy. He leaves in the morning and I can just feel the sadness because of this. My apprehension about Fran has ceased almost 100% and I couldn’t be more thankful for this.
Gracias, God.

7/22
I’m not quite sure what my problem is, but I’ve woken up at 4AM 2 out of the past 3 mornings. It’s like I spend half my night tossing and turning, anxious as ever, anyway. So here I am, 4:25 AM, alone, beach-front, a very waif-life dog sleeping beside me, like he’s been my best friend for years. The dogs here are all skin and bones, all legs, all ears, like deer. It’s heart-breaking, but what isn’t heart-breaking here in Nicaragua? Tears come to my eyes as I ponder this.
It’s 4:30 AM and dark yet I long for it to be light out, the sun shining with its radiant light, the Nica kids and gringos all running around on the beach without a care in the world. That’s really the way it is—there’s not a care in the world here. Nothing but joy, nothing but God’s light. I begin to ponder why in the world America lacks this care-free mentality, yet the answer is easy: stuff. In America, our lives are so bombarded with “stuff” that most of us wouldn’t know happiness if it kicked us straight in the bum, unless of course it came in a box with a 1-3 year warranty, and looked a bit like a Palm Pilot or perhaps an iPod (or for “people with less money,” an iPod mini… guilty, so guilty, and so very ashamed). Tears come to my eyes once again as I think about how this week is going to change me… b/c I need to be changed, so badly, perhaps even from inside-out, and for it to last longer than a week. My “stuff” has clearly placed a barrier between God and I lately… a big barrier… and I wish for it to be removed. I wish to live in the now, for who and what God has made me, and not for the future, preparing for who knows what.
I focus on my travels 10x more than on God, and not even I have the slightest clue as to why. Do I think I’m going to grow or learn during these experiences without God as my Main Man? It’s like I worship the travel itself, diving deeper into travel books just like I should with my Bible. I could walk anyone through Rick Steve’s Europe Through the Back Door or Let’s Go! Western Europe, but the Bible? Ummm… can you say “table of contents?” What is wrong with me? (That answer is obvious, this I know quite well.)
I’ll consider this the first real, honest look at myself in quite some time. Oh, honesty—to be honest and real, 100%, is something I desire so badly. During a walk on the beach, Brandon said what an unchristian life he leads… he said it without hesitation. Why can’t I do that? I may have never gotten drunk, smoked, or had sex, but what am I thinking, the idea that that would equal a Christian life? I couldn’t be any farther from wrong. Oh, to be and remain real with myself as Brandon was to me. (I’d guess that he doesn’t even know how much that meant to me.)
Wow, the power of the waves crashing in the early morning hours beneath the moon (is this a full moon???)… the sight and sound of it. The feel of it, even by observation alone, moves me.
I think of Paul Wright’s song “Crashing Down,” the song that carried me through this past, incredibly, emotionally harsh school year. “Crashing down, I am here to help you.” It’s loco to think of how God has worked since November. God KNEW things had crashed down in my life. But God sent that song, and 8 to 9 months later, God sent me here, to these waves. I can’t imagine a God more mysterious, loving, all-knowing than the God I know, but don’t know. I see an answer to what seems like all my life’s questions in these waves: it goes something like, “Oh, just wait.” (My response: “there’s MORE!?!?”) I long to be standing on the rocks out in the ocean, the crashing waves rushing toward me, yet me, anchored to the rocks, safe and sound, simply changing yet in the most profound of ways. Oh, for that change, Oh God.
Gracias, God.
P.S. I still can’t believe I’m here.
(Later)
Another amazing day where my heart was torn to more and more pieces. I made friends—Maria and Alejandra… we painted a pre-school, played TONS of Frisbee (with Jose and Maria, who was an adorable chica with a bit of ‘tude—she rocked at Frisbee!). I cut (trimmed) little boys’ hair, translated at 2 houses for evangelism purposes (the first one, I didn’t want to do, or the second, either… I about got tears in my eyes the first time because I felt so… wrong. I don’t know… no emotion… but 1 salvation… all glory be the Father’s, NOT Mark’s or mine). I can’t believe how the words were provided for me… maybe not all the right ones, but the significance was there, I think. Translating, me, like this, who would’ve EVER thought. Not me!
When we got back to the village, Dalila’s sister (Jenny) said that we could visit their house (yesss!). So Brandon and I went with 3 of the gals… shoe-less… pretty far away (though they kept saying that it was close, close, close… ha!). It was amazing. We took lots of pictures—Brandon just loved it—and it was so wonderful to meet Dalila’s mother. Dalila melts my heart. Her (new to me) sister and I got along really well; she kept holding my hand… I loved that…
Brandon said on the way back that I need to learn more languages so we can travel more places and I can translate for him. ... There’s something about him… OK, a LOT about him…
I lost my appetite at dinner… had tears, gazing out onto the beach, the sunset, the beautiful, care-free people… so sad about how much food I had to eat and how little other had… walking off, sat upstairs overlooking the sunset and sea, and Brandon came to talk to me… it was exactly what I’d needed… a great lesson.

7/24
That was it. That was goodbye and that was what it was like to be freed of myself—completely—to be 100% dead to myself and alive to God’s will for me. I can’t say I’ve ever felt this way—it’s never been so difficult to find words to express just how I feel, and it’s not only because it was in a different language than my own. There was honestly no way—no habían palabras—to express the gratitude to these blessed people—to Henry, Eyra, Teresa, Janett… Maryuri, Michael, Sandra, Leo… my heart is torn to think of what they’ve taught me this week, and how they probably just have no idea. But maybe they saw it in the tears, I’m not sure. I am sure, though, that I will be back, no matter what it takes… I’ll see them once more.

7/25
Last morning here. Last time to sit here, contemplate upon the movement of the waves, experience a feeling that’s simply indescribable. Suyapa Beach has been so good to me.
“Did God give you anything this week?”
“Yes, everything.”
“Then don’t let the Devil take it away.”
On the radio: a song that goes “I know that I have to go away, I know.” How fitting…
...
Esteban asked, “Lista?” My response: “Nunca. No voy a estar lista nunca.”
“If the sky was the ground and the ground was the sky, would you fall straight to God?”—Isaiah Hamilton
2 hours at the market—was given a regalo at the place where I bought my hammock “because you are a Christian, and we are a Christian business.” That was awesome! But how did he know I was a Christian?... Lots of good stuff.
How do I feel now… I am finally exhausted. God have me energy when I needed it but now he knows I don’t need it. It is raining, 1st time this week… another God thing. Wow.

7/26
Last night was wonderful. We ate at Rostipollo (sat by Darlene and Brandon, Pam, Jennifer, and Esteban—MUCH fun and hilarious yet suggestive conversation!... “got your nose!”, haha…).
After, we had a time of sharing together at the hotel… everyone had such amazing things to say and reflect upon…
“Jesi.” Ha!
“You have a friend waiting for you whom you don’t even know.”
“CHICLE!” --TJ
We saw a greater picture of the trip than just our own. After, a walk n talk with Travis (he has been God-sent these past 2 days!!!). Then, a 70s and 80s music video party in Brandon/Steve/TJ’s room… MUCH fun… back rubs… thanks, Brandon!… still wonderful… This morning he gave me a big high five and held on to my hand for a moment afterward. Ah! (What a girl I am!)
I am SO happy that our plane was delayed and we switched flights (4PM instead of 8:15 AM) PLUS we’ll be spending the night in Houston… too exciting… we were saying that Fran broke the plane so Amanda wouldn’t leave. Well thank you, Fran! Haha! Yesss… (Siiii...)

7/27
This is it, time to head home. At the Houston airport now… just said goodbye to the Dexter group. Brandon and I talked together until 3AM… probably 3:30, at the Sheraton Hotel... wouldn't have minded pulling an all-nighter... Darlene said, “I heard you guys have only been apart for the past hour and a half.” You betcha… then that amazing smile from him… yeah, I think I'm going to miss him (argh, how... girly).
........
I’m back in the States now. It was so difficult to leave… difficult to think of how it changed me so greatly in such a miniscule amount of time.
Difficult to leave the hotel, leave the airport, leave the language, leave the people. Such beautiful people. God didn’t use me to touch Nicaragua this last week, He used Nicaragua to touch me, and move me. Really, I am moved. God, I beg you for that change when I get home. I beg you to move me more and more, until I’m moved so far that I am…. Home.